Dragonlove!

[maiken]

Please post your feedback here! Thank you! :bouncy:



maiken :)

[ChrisG]

Is this simply the first bit of a much longer story? As it is, the story doesn't really say anything. You've already introduced eleven characters (including dragons), which is a lot to keep track of this early on. I'm guessing that Aslina is the main character, as she's the only one with any sort of motivation so far. Concentrate the story on her, what she's feeling, what she's thinking, what she wants, what she fears... Is it important that Weyrwoman Saral is looking for Aorni? We haven't even met Aorni yet, though surely she also has something to say about her daughter standing for Impression. It's nice to see someone who isn't enamored with the prospect of Impression.


"Has anyone seen Aorni?"(_)Saral asked loudly as she entered the dining cavern. - missing space

Saral was more than 20 years the weyrwoman's senior, yet she couldn't convince Aorni to remain in the weyr. - spell out numbers, twenty. Turns, not years. Capitalize Weyrwoman and Weyr

"Why Saral? Is she missing?"(_)Tori asked the elder Goldrider worriedly.(_)>>Toranth? Are Alarenth and her rider currently in the weyr?<<(_)Tori asked her gold.(new line)<<No. They left for Fort about an hour ago. Should I tell Alarenth that they are needed?>>(_)Toranth replied casually.(new line)>>No beloved. We will let Saraneth and her rider do what they wish to.<<(_)Tori told her dragon then said aloud,(_)"Toranth says that they left an hour ago for Fort Hold."
Start a new line every time the speaker changes. The << and >> look really ugly, italicizing it is plenty. More missing spaces. Why couldn't Saral simply have asked her own dragon where Aorni was?

I'll bet you our dear Aorni is of with that harper daughter of hers. - off

Please tell Alarenth that she and Aorni ae needed.

"Your the Weyrwoman's daughter Asli. - You're

Aslina was heading toward teh caverns for the evening meal when Journeyman Harper Laurel stopped her."Your needed in the Masterharper's office Apprentice Aslina."He said then turned into the cavern. Aslina started up the stairs to Masterharper Alvar's office.

Same type of mistakes repeated throughout the remainder.

[maiken]

Allrighty then....all these things have been edited. Thank you ChrisG.

Dragonlove is going to be quite a bit longer. I am posting more as I find the time to type it. What i have posted as of now is the First Chapter. :bow:

[maiken]

Okay. This is all of the characters that have been or will be mentioned in the story. Most aren't major charries, but i've put an * by charries already mentioned.


Riders
~Gold Riders~
Aorni/ weyrwoman ~ Alarenth 37/16 *
Tori/ junior- Toranth 21/3 *
Saral/senior- Saraneth 60/45 *
Morin/ weyrling- Moranth 19/9mo *
Rochelle/ weyrling- Ralenth 20/1.5 *

~Bronze Riders~
A’lan/ weyrleader- Anath 38/15 *
R’cale/ wingleader- Roreonth 63/45
J’nule/ wingleader- Joruth 45/27
T’kam/ wingleader- Torinth 29/9
S’lar/ wingleader- Slanth 31/11 *
B’ork/ wingleader- Boranth 33/13
C’lan/ weyriling- Canath 18/1.5
Z’lam/ weyrling- Zorth 17/9mo
X’lat/ weyrling- Xlith 19/1.5
K’lak/ weyling- Klarth 16/9mo

~Brown Riders~
A’tal/ wingsecond- Atarnth 27/9
B’yor/ wingsecond- Barnth 46/27
C’ral/ wingsecond- Cantarth 28/9
D’nor/ wingsecond- Dorth 30/11
E’lon/ wingsecond- Earth 34/13
F’lon/ rider- Flonth 27/5
G’ort/ rider- Glatath 22/3
H’rat/ rider- Hanath 29/9
I’kan/ weyrling- Iaketh 18/1.5
K’tar/ weyrling- Karenth 16/9mo
M’ral/ weyrling- Morth w18/9mo
P’tar/ weyrling- Porth 19/1.5


~Blue Riders~
T’kan/ rider- Taueth47/27
C’tan/ rider- Carnanth 47/26
F’ran/ rider- Forath 44/24
E’tor/ rider- Eaneth 24/5
R’mal/ rider- Rarth 25/7
X’larn/ rider- Xliath 40/22
Z’lak/ rider- Zorenth 41/24
B’kan/ rider- Bornkth 22/3
T’rin/ rider- Tarkath 26/7
D’lar/ rider- Doranth 29/10.5
G’ran/ weyrling- Grasth 17/9mo
J’tuk/ weyrling- Jokenth 18/1.5
M’lar/ weyling- Moreth 19/1.5

~Green Riders~
Sarah/ rider- Salath 46/17
Tanali/ rider- Torath 45/24
Tarka/ rider- Tarkath 43/23
Darah/ rider- Darnth 41/19
Haran/ rider- Hanarth 31/12
Xilani/ rider- Xlianth 30/10.5
Arani/ rider- Aarnith 34/15
Bacy/ rider- Bakith 35/15
Corine/ rider- Corenth 26/7.5
Sali/ rider- Salith 22/5
Bitari/ weyrling- Barat 19/1.5h
Frarime/ weyrling- Froth 17/9mo
Rori/ weyrling-Ranith 16/9mo


~Candidates~
=F= Tarah 14*apprentice harper hall
=M=Trace 14*apprentice healer hall
=F=Kareenai 16*apprentice harper hall
=F=Hanah 16*weyr child
=F=Marina 15*apprentice harper hall (Masterharper Alvar’s daughter) *
=F=Raymont 17*weyr child
=M=Andrew 19*hold child
=F=Aslina 15*apprentice harper hall *
=F=Asheline 14*hold child
=F=Lari 17*apprentice harper hall
=F=Laura 18*hold child
=M=Hasan 20*weyr child
=M=Rina 19*hold child
=M=Cidra 16*apprentice harper hall (Master Harper Orben’s daughter)
=M=Shinra 14*hold child
=M=Rikku 15*weyr child
=M=Pasthan 19*hold child
=F=Torrine 14*weyr child
=F=Shaline 16*apprentice healer hall (Masterhealer Shori’s daughter)
=F=Rebecca 17*weyr child
=M= Robie*hold child
=M=Swoin*apprentice healer hall
=M=Rorg*apprentice healer hall
=M=Dorin*apprentice healer hall
=F=Azer*apprentice healer hall


Hold and Hall Characters~

~Harpers~

MasterHarper Alvar *
^^^^^^^
Master Harpers~

Master Sorben
Mater Melene
Master Trudek
Master Klorine
Master Borken
Master Carfle
Master Elern
Master Gorge
Master Ilanse
Master Orben
^^^^^^^


Journeyman Harpers~

Broben
Troyle
Druw
Farlgu
Laurence *
^^^^^^^^
Apprentice Harpers~

Aslina *
Marina (Masterharper Alvar’s daughter) *
Tarah
Kareenai
Lari
Cidra (Master Harper Orben’s daughter)


~Healers~

Masterhealer Shori
^^^^^^^

Master Healers~

Master Winst
Master Quin
Master Broge
Master Corven
Master Vince
Master Oplen
Master Farak
Master Horan
Master Norman
Master Josei


Journeyman Healers~

Tork
Poren
Isan
Youl
Enlil


Apprentice Healers~

Trace
Shaline (Masterhealer Shori’s daughter)
Swoin
Rorg
Dorin
Azer


Holders~

Lord of Benden Hold—Sigan
Lord of Fort Hold—Mifcer
Lord of Southern Hold—Hmars
Lord of Cove Hold—Robengar
Lord of Ruatha Hold—Wilen

[Brenda]

So far I'm interested, but one thing really bugs me - your dialogue.

"No reason to apologize." She said outloud for S'lar's benefit.

"No reason to apologize," she said out loud for S'lar's benefit.


You nearly always do that - end with a period and capitalize the next word, when it really should be a comma and not capitalized. It's the same sentence, even if the quote ends in a sentence.

[maiken]

Well, i'm going to go through and fix that stuff when I finish the story. Right now, i'm more worried about finishing it.

<---only 15 and without true schooling for 7 months, but normally doesn't make silly mistakes like that.

[maiken]

More is up, but I didn't check it before I posted it cause I wrote it as I went. Tell me what you think, and constructive critisysm is welcome. :bouncy:

[Brenda]

The story of an unwilling candidate is certainly intriguing!

[maiken]

That was what I thought when I was looking for a good idea that I could write about. Problem is, i've had to put the Rings of Concordance on hold while I write it. :redfruit:

[Monkeysrule]

Why was it deleted by user?

[maiken]

*blushes* I had to remove many of my stories at that point, because of my father's...problem with having my stuff where anyone could read it. I'll be putting up the finished Dragonlove, which is a three hundred and fourteen pages long in word ((:faint: )) Edited and ready to read, hopefully by December.

Most of my stories I didn't right as FanFiction won't be posted here though, so you'll have to wait to find them in book stores. Rings of Concordance will be published by January, as will one of my other books.(hopefully) *sighs*

Sorry it took so long to reply!

~mai

[Shalyn]

Have you sold Rings of Concordance, then?