Utter Nonsense

[Cherlyn]

I've been going through some of my Dad's files on the computer. Yes, I've written how much we drove each other up the wall. Yep, a right cantankerous ole fart - but he was mine! :D I'll see see how much of the cleaner foolishness (hence the :blush: ) I can post for your entertainment.


For all the Grandmas and those who need to beware:

“When I’m A Little Old Lady”

Then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy
To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy.

I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor;
Run in and out without closing the door.

I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed.
Whenever they scold me, I’ll just hang my head.

I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away
The time to be spent doing chores every day.

I’ll pester my children when they’re on the phone.
As long as they’re busy, I won’t leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer,
And never pick up my clothes from the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish.
I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor,
As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then
When they buy new ones, I’ll take them again.

I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor,
I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be
To live with my children- like they lived with me.

From "Philosophy and Foolishness ". . .

[Cherlyn]

The "Oh sh:gag:t !" Dept. . . .

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

~

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

~

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says. "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!"

~

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

[Cherlyn]

More Philosophy and Foolishness:

“Definition of a Cow”

A cow is a completely automatic milk manufacturing
machine. It is encased in untanned leather and mounted
on four vertical movable supports, one on each corner.
The front end contains the cutting and grinding mechanism,
as well as light sensors, and air intake and exhaust,
a buffer and a fog horn.

At the rear is the dispensing apparatus and an automatic
fly swatter. The central portion houses a hydra
chemical conversion plant. This consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks, connected in series by an
intricate network of flexible plumbing, This section
also contains the heating plant, complete with automatic
temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is
located at the rear of this central section.

In brief, the extremely visible features are: two
lookers, two hookers, four stand uppers, four hanger
downers, and a swishy-swishy.

[Cherlyn]

That Crazy English Language . . .

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find That quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, are humanitarians cannibals? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an Asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? And if I'm uncouth, are you couth? And finally, why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

[Cherlyn]

Japanese Bank Crisis

According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

[Cherlyn]

Zen Thoughts . . . (http://www.martinfrost.ws/htmlfiles/zen1.html)

Zen thoughts take 2 . . . (http://www.martinfrost.ws/htmlfiles/zen2.html)

[ValAnn]

:rofl:

[Gini_xX]

:giggle: