Feedback for: The Wardrobe (working title - unfinished)

[Lady Faizah]

Okay, I've posted a little something new up, in the fiction section.

The Wardrobe (working title - unfinished) (http://annemccaffreyfans.org/forum/showthread.php?t=2015)

Leave your comments here, please. :)

[ChrisG]

Ah, unfinished, that explains it. It felt like something was missing, well, quite a few somethings, actually ... or is the yellow paper a red herring? Very well written; nothing jumped out at me, although the description of the house did seem a little out place. I think perhaps it'd flow a little better if she (do your characters have names?) told him directly about the indoor-outhouse, the flakey electricity, the myriad extensions, rather than telling the reader and mentioning that she told him.

'bout all I can say at this point. :)

[Brenda]

I am intrigued sufficiently to demand that you tell us what happens next!

[maiken]

Me too! :bouncy:

[Lady Faizah]

Ah, unfinished, that explains it. It felt like something was missing, well, quite a few somethings, actually ... or is the yellow paper a red herring? Very well written; nothing jumped out at me, although the description of the house did seem a little out place. I think perhaps it'd flow a little better if she (do your characters have names?) told him directly about the indoor-outhouse, the flakey electricity, the myriad extensions, rather than telling the reader and mentioning that she told him.

'bout all I can say at this point. :)Hmm, point. And no, they don't have names yet. :roll: I suppose I could give them temporary names, until I find ones more fitting...

I'm trying something different with this one, trying a bit of mystery and suspense, with maybe a touch of romance in there. Well, at least, I think that's what I'm doing. I know it's different to what I normally write.

The house is based on one in real life, as are the female character's feelings about the house. It was a dump, but a dump with character. It's kind of hard for me to convey that adequately in writing, currently. I am the first to admit that I need more practice. Practice is good, especially when it is something you enjoy doing anyway. :)

[Nurianna]

please remind us in the willits when you get more in... Id like to see where this goes as well... If it was a finished book, I'd still be reading and you'd still be wondering if I liked it ~ lol~

so far I do~ :applause:

[Lady Faizah]

I am intrigued sufficiently to demand that you tell us what happens next!What happens next is she makes two cups of coffee. :evil:

Actually :erm: I haven't written anymore yet. :sorry: I'll get to it as soon as possible, I promise! (Hopefully there'll be another bit up by the end of the week)

[Lady Faizah]

please remind us in the willits when you get more in... Id like to see where this goes as well... If it was a finished book, I'd still be reading and you'd still be wondering if I liked it ~ lol~

so far I do~ :applause:Will do! :good:

[Lady Faizah]

Ah, unfinished, that explains it. It felt like something was missing, well, quite a few somethings, actually ... or is the yellow paper a red herring? Very well written; nothing jumped out at me, although the description of the house did seem a little out place. I think perhaps it'd flow a little better if she (do your characters have names?) told him directly about the indoor-outhouse, the flakey electricity, the myriad extensions, rather than telling the reader and mentioning that she told him.

'bout all I can say at this point. :)I've removed that part from it for the moment. I really wanted to spend more time on describing the house, anyway. It just sounded all pushed in together, the way it was. Rest assured, the description will return. I loved that house entirely too much to just leave it out.

It also needs tidying up, it's not an indoor-outhouse, there's an outhouse outside, as well as a fully functioning modern bathroom indoors... And there are things I've completely glossed over in there. I don't want the house to dominate the story, but I feel that leaving it out would be just as bad.

[Brenda]

You could try inserting snippets, when she's wandering back and forth through the house while the piece of paper is stalking her, mention her bare feet on the wood floor or something like that.

[Faren]

Definitely leaves you wanting to find out more. Looking forward to the next installment. :D

[Lady Faizah]

Well, the next bit is up. I seem to have done something bad to Word, as I have grammar check, but spell check no longer works. :erm:

[Lady Faizah]

This is half bump, half idle musings...

See, the story seemed to be going so well, until I put names in it. I have no idea why that would have stalled it, or if that was just a coincidence, but I haven't been able to write a thing since. :banghead:

I really liked where this was going, but... ARGH! I'm stuck. Horribly horribly stuck.

Oh, and my computer died, taking with it my backup files, and my copy of Word, with the CD at the other end of the country. :roll:

[GinnyStar]

With the computer add a new twist. :D

Myself I am suprized at what I find as I am clean out things.

Bit and parst of idea and all. LOL

I do hope you write more on this story :D