DRAGONSHEART; What do you think so far?

[queenrider melody]

This is my first story here, so be honest. Now, I know that I have barely written anything on the first chapter, but I still thing that it is good so far. What do you think?

[Brenda]

I like the story so far, but it seems rushed. The big thing that bothered me was this part:

Melody saw something glimmering, so she prepared her flamethrower. A knife headed toward them, and it cut Melody's riding straps.
I would write: ...flamethrower. Suddenly a knife slashed her riding straps.
You don't need to repeat the name.

She clung onto Nimoranth and her flamethrower. A clump of thread scored them, so they headed back to the weyr.
This is not at all realistic - threadscore is far more painful than that. Try this:
She clung to Nimoranth's neck, then screamed as a clump of thread burned into her arm. "Nimoranth! The Weyr!" she gasped, trying to hold the image through the pain. Then the cold of between froze the thread into dust.

This experience had shocked Melody, and when she dismounted she was shaking slightly. She could not think clearly and she instead of dismounting, she fell off of Nimoranth's back and was knocked unconscious.
Again, unrealistic. To say that it the experience shocked her would be appropriate for just the knife attack, but for being threadscored it is a huge understatement. Also, a contradiction: did she dismount or fall? You write that she does both! Just have her faint from the pain and shock. And afterward, you only have people concerned about the head injury - they should be just as concerned about the threadscore.
I think you could skip the mention of a threadscore and just have her return to the Weyr with her straps cut. It would be unsafe to fly like that - she would have to leave. Maybe she was planning to get another set and return to the fall, but the shock of almost being killed made her careless and she fell.


Just a few other things - there were several misspellings.
abomonators (abominators)
seperate (separate)
Try a spell check!

Just put the dragons' dialogue in italics. They are much easier to distinguish that way - the asterisks are hard to see!

Try breaking it into some smaller paragraphs. There are no pauses at all, so it seems rushed.

You could include a little more description - What does Melody look like? How long has she been a rider? What does her weyr look like?


All that said - I want to know what happens next!

[queenrider melody]

I sort of thank you your harsh words, but some times I am in a hurry when I'm typing.

[queenrider melody]

There is no spell check on this website!

[Brenda]

I assumed it had been copied from a Word document - which would have a spell check. The spelling didn't bother me that much - just the wierd plot bit about her being threadscored and not seeming injured. And it is difficult to pick out when the dragons are speaking.

[queenrider melody]

I assumed it had been copied from a Word document - which would have a spell check. The spelling didn't bother me that much - just the wierd plot bit about her being threadscored and not seeming injured. And it is difficult to pick out when the dragons are speaking.
I fixed that. :D

[Kalli]

There are a few things I don't like. First of all North's name. North? Does he have a brother called South? I think it would be better if you gave him a porper name, 'North" just names him seem silly and twinkish.

Another thing, North is a blue right? Yet he won the mating flight with amazing ease considering he much smaller than the bronzes and and blues as a rule aren't built for endurance. Even in fandom browns catching queens are rare. The way I see it, the only way a blue could conceivably win is if a)he used trickery or b) he was the only drgaon flying. ie. Melody and C'gon left the weyr and went to some isolated beach when Nimoranth rose unexpectadly would make more sense. Or something along those lines, make it realistic.

And there's the fact that everyone automatically assumes that it was either the oldtimers or the abominators that attacked Melody? My questions is why? Why is it so obvious to everyeone that it was them who attacked her? Why would the abominators or the oldtimers bother with a junior queenrider? Fill in your character's backgrounds, give us a likely motive for the abominator or oldtimers attacking Melody.

Another things, you seem to have borrowed the names of some of Menolly's firelizards, (ie. Brownie, Mimic) Original names are always better trust me. ;)

[queenrider melody]

There are a few things I don't like. First of all North's name. North? Does he have a brother called South? I think it would be better if you gave him a porper name, 'North" just names him seem silly and twinkish.

Another thing, North is a blue right? Yet he won the mating flight with amazing ease considering he much smaller than the bronzes and and blues as a rule aren't built for endurance. Even in fandom browns catching queens are rare. The way I see it, the only way a blue could conceivably win is if a)he used trickery or b) he was the only drgaon flying. ie. Melody and C'gon left the weyr and went to some isolated beach when Nimoranth rose unexpectadly would make more sense. Or something along those lines, make it realistic.

And there's the fact that everyone automatically assumes that it was either the oldtimers or the abominators that attacked Melody? My questions is why? Why is it so obvious to everyeone that it was them who attacked her? Why would the abominators or the oldtimers bother with a junior queenrider? Fill in your character's backgrounds, give us a likely motive for the abominator or oldtimers attacking Melody.

Another things, you seem to have borrowed the names of some of Menolly's firelizards, (ie. Brownie, Mimic) Original names are always better trust me. ;)
*snorts and gets angry* First of all, this blue is no ordinary blue. He is just as fast and strong as any bronze. Also, Nimoranth is madly in love with North and North is madly in love with Nimoranth. Second of all, I was desperate with the name for the blue dragon. Third of all, it was late the night I had introduced the fire lizards so I forgot that those were the names of Menolly's fire lizards. Finally, I wasn't going to talk much about Melody's background until later in the story. It's part of the climax. :mad: :mad: :sad: :cry: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

[Shalyn]

Why are you asking for feedback and then getting extremely angry when it's given? From what I have read, the feedback has been amazingly gentle and extremely constructive.

Now for my feedback, which is probably going to make you even angrier. But you asked for it:

1. There are a few things you may want to do with this story re: the spellcheck and the rushed feeling: copy and paste into Word and do both a spellcheck and a grammar check.

2. Separate out the paragraphs. You have more than one person talking within a paragraph which makes events very confusing. Besides, it's not proper writing.

3. Elaborate on your thoughts. One reason things feel rushed is because you jump from one thing to another. In your "Chapter One", there's both a Threadfall and a queenflight. They eat dinner and then breakfast. You have enough *thoughts* in that one chapter to make three good paragraphs.

4. This is speaking from an RP perspective, but is valid. Lose the sixteen!!! fire lizards. One, two, maybe even three. but sixteen? That alone could cause a serious reader to shelve your story.

OK - now, here are various points, questions, and other little idiosyncracies which, if you were to change them, would help to detail out my #3 critique:

a. If Melody and C'gon are Fort riders, why are they flying Thread at High Reaches?

b. At the beginning, it seems as if Melody and C'gon have known each other for a while. Then it seems that they are almost strangers. Which is it?

c. Why does Melody time it to go to High Reaches? To get there before C'gon? Why?

d. Why does C'gon have to find a Healer? I would think that during Threadfall, Healers and helpers would be all over the Bowl.

e. Why are Sharra and Jaxom at High Reaches? Why are F'lar and Lessa at Fort?

f. Why is it "obvious" that the knife came from "The Smithcrafthall three Turns ago"? What makes it so obvious?

g. As to the knife - how did someone get close enough, *in the air yet*, to cut Melody's straps. And if she trips over it getting off of her dragon, was it imbedded in her dragon? If so, why did no one treat the queen? If not, how did it hamper her instead of falling to the ground...and possibly killing someone below. Or making a biiiig dent?

h. What is "claw"? Melody and C'gon finish their claw. Then T'bor comes over and gets some "claw".

i. Why does Oldive's treatment of Threadscore consist of washing it and wrapping it? Canon-ly, threadscore is treated with numbweed. Where was the numbweed?

j. During the dragon's meal, you use the adjective "plump" eight times. You may want to find another adjective.

k. Why did they try to fight off the effects of the mating flight? And even if your gold is the smallest gold on Pern, and North is the largest blue, the size difference is still going to be so tremendous that it really doesn't make sense that the blue can fly the gold. Unless she's not fully matured and rose early.

[queenrider melody]

Just to tell you, I'm not as old as you probrably think! :sad: :cry: :mad: :mad2: :sorry: :blush: (I am below age 15, my mom signed me up here.)

[queenrider melody]

First of all, it's not like I'm going to publish this or anything, so I do not care about "proper writing". Second of all, this is just a story in fan fic., so it does not matter exactly what happens in it. Thirdly, they are more like "traveling" thread fighters. Finally, I'm just a kid! :help: :cry:

[Kalli]

If you can't accept critism from other people then don't ask for feed back, it's as simple as that. Critism is an essential part of writing and it helps writers improve their work because there's always room for improvement, I don't care whether your a professional writer or just writing something for the heck of it. So don't throw a fit if you don't like what someone says.

Now in regards to North's name, if you can't think of a better dragon name, might I suggest the Fantasy Name Generator (http://www.rinkworks.com/namegen/). If you go to the list of Specialized Names they have one for Pernese dragons.

Frankly silly dragon names like Wraith, Megadeath, etc. are considered to be a major no-no in Pern fandom. Like I said, it makes your dragon sound twinky right from the get-go.


k. And even if your gold is the smallest gold on Pern, and North is the largest blue, the size difference is still going to be so tremendous that it really doesn't make sense that the blue can fly the gold. Unless she's not fully matured and rose early.

I once heard a gold mating with a blue being compared to being like a Jack Russel Terrier mating with a Doberman Pincher. :eek: :laugh:

Now if North is either a genetic freak of nature or very, very lucky, then why did no one act surprised when he caught Nimoranth? Melody, C'gon and everyone else acted like it was totally normal for a blue to catch a queen, when obviously it isn't. And if North is strong and fast enough to catch a queen (unlikely) then you should at least mention his prowess in your description of him. Give your characters some background, give logical reasons for why events happen.

As for the sixteen firelizard, yikes! that's all I can say. :eek: Menolly had trouble feeding, bathing, oiling, keeping track of nine and she didn't have a dragon to look after. Not to mention that firelizards don't like cold climates so that makes it strange that there would be so many at High Reaches Weyr. There's no way Melody would be able to look after that many firelizards and a mature, Threadfighting gold dragon at the same time. And can you imagine what would happen with all the mating flights?! :roll:

[queenrider melody]

I am sorry, Kalli and Brenda. :sorry: I need to visit a psychiatrist(sorry if there's a spelling error), but I think I got my temper from my dad. :D You two have been more kind to me than I have to you. I have a bit of a temper. :D Like I said before, I think I get it from my dad. Thanks for being patient with me, though, you two! :good: :ok: Oh, and the Jack Russel/Pincher thing isn't impossible, it just needs to be supervised so that the Doberman Pincher doesn't sit on the Jack Russel Terrier. :D Hey, why don't you two contribute to the Continue Pern Story Game I started at the Games and Silliness forum. :D

[Brenda]

What is "claw"? Melody and C'gon finish their claw. Then T'bor comes over and gets some "claw". I have a strong suspicion it is supposed to be klah! (It is always italicized in the books.)

I can appreciate that detailed criticism may be a little intimidating; I can definitely appreciate that it would put you on the defensive! :shhh: That doesn't mean it's wrong! :shhh:

[Shalyn]

First of all, it's not like I'm going to publish this or anything, so I do not care about "proper writing". Second of all, this is just a story in fan fic., so it does not matter exactly what happens in it. Thirdly, they are more like "traveling" thread fighters. Finally, I'm just a kid! :help: :cry:

Hon, you have received more constructive criticism with this one chapter of a story than I ever have in all three of the full fanfics I posted at the Old KT. And at the beginning of this thread, you asked for people to be honest.

Now, you say you don't care about "proper writing". Does this mean you don't want people to read it? Because there are those who will decide that if you don't care enough to make your story readable, then they won't care enough to read it. At that point - why even post it?

Your next statement about it being a fan fic so it does not matter exactly what happens in it. Anne worked hard on creating Pern. She has been gracious enough to allow others to play in it. Are you now saying that you don't care enough about the work she put into this universe of hers to abide by them?

As for the "travelling" thread fighters - this is something that should be explained within your story. And it is a very good idea, something that should be embellished upon. You have several good ideas within your fic, but they are glossed over and rushed over to the point that they are missed.

(Oh, and the bit about the Jack Russell and the Doberman? About the only way this would happen is by artificial insemination, and not by close supervision.)

[Anareth]

First...thank you for cleaning it up and making it easier to read.

Second..please don't take this the wrong way, but, you've got about three months of story crammed into two days! First, the one that really stuck out--unless C'gon and Melody have been sleeping together for a while, there is no way she could be certain she was pregnant. In fact medically speaking she wouldn't precisely be pregnant yet if it's only hours after they had sex--fertilization and implantation aren't instantaneous. And even if they were, there's no way at all she would know she was pregnant. Even her hormone levels wouldn't register on a test yet, and there'd be nothing for a dragon or dolphin to detect. So unless there's a gap of weeks between the start of that scene and the end, it's really jumping the gun to announce a baby's on the way.

Next, I'm still confused by what's going on with the knife cutting her straps during Fall. Physical possibility of that aside, what the heck is going on? Obviously someone's trying to kill her, but who and why? And how did her dragon miss the thread coming when it was apparently all clear for a minute? (I would also point out--threadscore's more a burn, and you don't cover burns, see DLG's section on Healers for threadscore and how to treat it, but that's being nitpicky.)

And I think you deal just a bit too flippantly with Lessa and F'lar. First, I can't really see either of them, F'lar in particular, shouting about it. But I could see them expressing some serious concerns. Setting aside the anatomical problems as they've obviously been resolved (even though I agree with posters above that it's like a Jack Russel trying to mate with a Doberman--when the Jack Russel is the MALE), I think they'd have legitimate concerns--no blue, to anyone's knowledge, has sired a clutch. Blue firelizards don't mate with golds, either, just greens, and those clutches tend to be mostly greens. So what is this clutch going to be like? (Again, technical point, but if the male were responsible for controlling their fall, physics alone says it's going to be a short one. The gold, now, might be able to hold them up longer.) It's not a matter of bias but legitimate concerns. Historically, even browns, who were meant to mate with golds, get outflown by the bronzes. So what's going to happen when a blue wins? I also can't see Lessa accepting the 'we're in love' argument quite so easily. Lessa is not a romantic--she's almost ruthlessly rational at times.

Not to mention gold flights are always big news, so this one would be REALLY big news--Lessa and F'lar wouldn't be the only ones concerned, and I can't quite see everyone else also just saying, "Oh, they're in love, that makes it okay." It's pretty well-established in the books, especially Moreta, that love has nothing to do with who flies the queen--it's the best male, usually the strongest and smartest. If it's a senior queen, the question of which rider would best leat the Weyr is an issue, as well. (Moreta and Sh'gall are barely speaking, but his dragon keeps winning because he's a good Weyrleader.) So I think there are a whole lot of other issues you could explore--pressure on them both, questions and doubts about the clutch (justified questions, really), jealousy on the part of the 'jilted' bronze riders, maybe resentment from brown riders, too, who might now feel they've been gypped, too...I don't see it as a scenario where there'd be easy acceptance.

[queenrider melody]

Here's the whole reason why I wrote this story: To teach a leason and to stait what I wish would happen in the Pern books, but know will not happen.

I forgot to stait in the story that they think that Melody is pregnant.

I also need to tell you that later on it will say who attacked her and why.

Also, Lessa only left it at what they said because she plans on picking it up later when Melody's alone.

That's all I have to say.

[Ryuu]

beyond what others have said, a few of points that stick out to me:

Things seem rather rushed. Going from her collapse off her dragon to her waking up in the weyr, there's no interest from her dragon about how she's doing??
To the dragons, their riders are the center of the world, and dragons would be crazed with worrry and some have even on occasion gone between when their riders lose consciousness like Melody did.

How did the knife that sliced her straps during Fall end up hitting her in the stomach as she was dismounting? Was there a second knife?? Then it would certainly narrow down the possible suspects--it would have to be one of the queenriders or a dragonrider hovering nearby as well as someone who showed up the same time she did back at the Weyr! :eek: Such factors would most certainly raise hackles on the back of anyone's neck!!! Or did the knife stick in her during the Fall??--needs clarification there...

Also, did Oldive suddenly cave into Abominator demands that he not suture a bleeding wound???

btw, I caught the mention about the kidnapping, so that gives a third class of suspects;)They went between to the lower caverns to have their evening meal, since they were feeding their dragons, C'gon and Melody had missed the normal evening meal.:erm:Dragons just having finished their meals don't normally go between--it sours the food in their stomachs--they're usually flown back to the populated portion of the Weyr straight from the pens where the wherries and herdbeasts are kept at the other end of the Weyr.

The second Chapter, I could see being a few weeks later or even months, but the way it's written, it does seem like the next day--in any event, if she's pregnant or has reason to suspect it, folks tend to avoid between as it can induce spontaneous abortion (that is, if they want to keep the kid;)). For the same reason, open wounds don't heal well after trips between.

Your story certainly has an interesting premise--A murder(attempted murder) mystery! Just a suggestion: I know you're young, but you shouldn't rush your story.

It's okay to write a first draft like you did with this, but try putting a little more thought into the scenery, people's (& native's;)) reactions to what's going on, and consequences of events and how they affect your characters (esp. your lead POV). What is she thinking about the attack?? How is her dragon responding to the attack?? How are the Weyrleaders reacting (since it seems to stay on Melody's POV, what would she see about how they are reacting?)? & wouldn't Oldive say anything to the Weyrleaders about the knife wound??? (Doctor/Patient confidentiality is one thing, but something like this would be WAY too far to keep silent;)) Given that, Lessa & F'lar would certainly take far more interest in the attack than the fact a blue caught a gold (although I could certainly see them using that as an introductory to their conversation;))

Your initial description of Melody tearing up the weyr looking for her gloves was very well presented. The rest of your story would bennefit from that level of detail and action. Such as: What would be her motivation for timing it to get to High Reaches before C'gon?

good luck on your writing--I am looking forward to more :bouncy:

[Anareth]

Your story certainly has an interesting premise--A murder(attempted murder) mystery! Just a suggestion: I know you're young, but you shouldn't rush your story.

It's okay to write a first draft like you did with this, but try putting a little more thought into the scenery, people's (& native's;)) reactions to what's going on, and consequences of events and how they affect your characters (esp. your lead POV). What is she thinking about the attack?? How is her dragon responding to the attack?? How are the Weyrleaders reacting (since it seems to stay on Melody's POV, what would she see about how they are reacting?)? & wouldn't Oldive say anything to the Weyrleaders about the knife wound??? (Doctor/Patient confidentiality is one thing, but something like this would be WAY too far to keep silent;)) Given that, Lessa & F'lar would certainly take far more interest in the attack than the fact a blue caught a gold (although I could certainly see them using that as an introductory to their conversation;))

Your initial description of Melody tearing up the weyr looking for her gloves was very well presented. The rest of your story would bennefit from that level of detail and action. Such as: What would be her motivation for timing it to get to High Reaches before C'gon?

good luck on your writing--I am looking forward to more :bouncy:


While I disagree that F'lar and Lessa would not be HIGHLY interested in the blue/gold issue, as that's incredibly disruptive of the entire social order of the Weyr, but they would certainly also be very interested in someone attacking a queen rider, too. Which is why I really think there needs to be a LOT more time between events! There are a LOT of interesting plot potentials in here, from the issue of traveling thread-fighters to a blue flying a gold, and it all needs so much more 'screen time' to come out. You've got enough material for a novella-length fan fic in here, easy, so why not take your time? The rest of us would certainly appreciate having more of it to read.

[Monkeysrule]

Me too.