The Rings of Concordance(maiken)

[maiken]

Hi! :wave: I would appreciate any thoughts you have on my story as i post it. The first two chapters are up right now. Contructive and idealic critisism is allowed, although please try not to seem to harsh. :redfruit: This story is my latest work and i would like to have comments now before i get to far into writing the story. Thanks! :)


maiken :2cent:

[Madrigal]

It seems fairly engaging, although the limited dialogue certainly has to be a challenge. I'd have liked to see more description--and if the spells have to be spoken, why can't she write them down and go get someone who can talk? (They say it: she performs whatever actions are necessary.) Also, why would she have been trained as a soceress if she was born mute and spells need to be spoken?

A technical thing:

The main character's name is rather Mary Sue-ish. (If it starts with a K, and has lots of L's, Y's or A's...).

[maiken]

The reason she was trained as a sorcerous will be explained later in the story. Partially it was because of the family tradition, but mostly it is because she was cursed at birth but her mother told her she was born mute so as not to worry her. This will be explained in a later post. The name is the name of a girl i new a few years ago who died in a fire. She was the one who helped me right the first book i ever wrote, and the story line was based on one she had started writing. I used the name out of respect for her. The original characters name was Tori. Tori was short for Torinalar. All sorcerouses shortened their names. They didn't want enemy sorcerouses to know their names, for if they did, they could curse them(hint hint). Kalara is short for Kalaranatine. Long isn't it. ;) As for dialogue, i am not very good with conversations. :sad: I will probably post more after christmas and new year's.

Thanks for your feedback.

mai :good:

[Dai]

It seems kind of abrupt is i guess the best way to describe it (this is a technical note i think) - every sentance is, short. Even where you do use comma's to extend a thought, it doesnt. So it doesnt really flow as a peice of prose for me. Also in the first 5 paragraph (after the O-----o----o thingie) you only use the main characters name once, which would be ok if you had longer sentances, but instead you follow with short sentances, each using she or her - she, she, she, her, she, her, she, her, she, she, she, she, her, her <- thats the pattern with almost everyone in its own single sentance, it just doesnt read well. I can't really get to grips with the story when i feel the writing style is so disjointed, i can't look past the abruptness (second paragraph of 2 sentances, a third paragraph full of she and her and no name), i can't even comment on the story unfortunatly...

Hmm - im not being very coherant myself either...

Anyway, hope i am some help

Dai

[maiken]

I noticed that about 4 days ago. I am in the process of fixing it. Hopefully it will be better this time! Thanks for you comments!

mai :)

[maiken]

More of the story has been added. As much as I have written....

I will edit and repost the whole story after I finish it or next chance I get. Probably will be after chapter 8 before I get the chance. Start my writing classes next week.

Thank you all for the feedback, please give me more...thank you.

maiken :D

[SKI]

While I was reading your story it felt like like I was reading a summary of events that Kalara experienced. I did not feel any emotions from Kalara or from any other charactor. There was a lot of death and tragedy in the story but I felt no pain or sorrow from the charactors.

More dialogue might give the reader more feelings in the charactor's emotions or even a third person evaluation of what a charactor is thinking or feeling.

I do like your story line -- I like the stories with sorcey and magic and the mystery who created all the tragedy (Fire and Illness) and why.

I will be looking for your next posts.

SKI :wave: