"The Secret Weyr" Improvements?

[Monkeysrule]

Here's the story I am writing directly in the Fiction Forums--> The Secret Weyr (http://annemccaffreyfans.org/forum/showthread.php?t=2551). It is a story I am writing just for fun and one I keep adding to when I feel like it (which is often) which is why there are so many posts. Any suggestions?

[Monkeysrule]

Opinions, please! Nobody in my family has read AMC before, so you people are the only ones who can give me feedback. Please!! I myself caught a lot of typos and I'm sure there are more!!

[Brenda]

Do you have spell check on your computer? Copy your posts into a document and do a spell check.

Two things: The Weyrwoman would have to be incredibly stupid not to ask the stranger to be a candidate right away; she ponders on the fact that most of the hatchlings will die, but sends the young woman away. No one even considers asking the group to come stay at the Weyr. That doesn't seem realistic in the situation.

Also, why did the dragonriders not send north to ask for candidates? Have they been isolated in the south for so long that no one can remember how to visualize the north? This would be an intriguing loose end to follow.


I do like the story - I want to find out what happens!

[Monkeysrule]

Do you have spell check on your computer? Copy your posts into a document and do a spell check.

Two things: The Weyrwoman would have to be incredibly stupid not to ask the stranger to be a candidate right away; she ponders on the fact that most of the hatchlings will die, but sends the young woman away. No one even considers asking the group to come stay at the Weyr. That doesn't seem realistic in the situation.

Also, why did the dragonriders not send north to ask for candidates? Have they been isolated in the south for so long that no one can remember how to visualize the north? This would be an intriguing loose end to follow.


I do like the story - I want to find out what happens!
Well, I post some more every day.

And, yes, none of the dragonriders can visualize the Northern or the Southern Continents to find their way between.

As for the candidates not being asked immediately, I'll find a way to fix that. Thanks!

[Monkeysrule]

I posted some more. Oh, and I sorta fixed that problem about becoming candidates earlier. I hope it works.

[Monkeysrule]

I might even post some illustrations on it if I can get my scanner to work.

[Brenda]

The story's getting more and more interesting! I'm assuming someone timed it to save them...

[Monkeysrule]

;) :shhh:

I posted more, btw. Keep checking, I post every day.

[Brenda]

The sun shone on her frozen skin as she found herself hanging upside down by her riding straps. Her back was up against her green's back, and the wind whipped by as Aideth's sudden swerving threw her back onto her the dragon's neck. It didn't take her long to reposition herself. Then, turning on wing tip, she dove with incredible speed to catch the falling dragon and rider.

Naturally, she went for Melina first and grabbed her with her right hand and then, with a speedy maneuver that only she could do right, she flew almost straight up to catch the younger Aideth. Melina felt her neck snap back as she was thrown back. The famliar dizziness of being in two places at once nearly made her faint, but her dragon reassuerd her.
This is confusingly written; you switch from describing Melina to Aideth without really specifying that. "She" could be either one: She repositioned herself on Aideth's neck, then she dove to catch the falling dragon. Might want to rephrase that bit.

[Monkeysrule]

Thanks, I'll change that.

[Monkeysrule]

It's sort of a make-it-up-as-I-go-along story, and it's longer than I intended it to be. I had only planned as far as to when Melina Impresses, but I had other storied in my head that I decided to combine all in one, That's why it has so many minor plot lines instead of one major one.

[Faren]

Hey monkeysrule! Finally got around to reading your story and it's good! :ok:
Here are some minor points...it's hard to believe that dragons that young could fly already...doesn't it take years for them to mature enough? Also, a bit more explanation of how thread returned. I assume the comet brought some when it penetrated the oort cloud? How long will it last?

I'm interested and will be checking back in. :good:

[Monkeysrule]

It takes several months to mature enough to fly.

[Monkeysrule]

I changed Warth's (Keat's bronze) name to Walth because, after reading the dragon listings (yes, I am crazy) in DLG, I noticed that Warth's taken. So don't get confused. But please let me know if I forgot to change some. :)

[Monkeysrule]

Oh, and my latest post should sorta explain at least what the characters know about the Falls and the mini-Pass.

[Green~Rider]

I like it because why?

Because the main character rides a GREEN.

I'm sick of characters that are queenriders. Greens are WAY underrepresented.

[Monkeysrule]

I know!! That's why Lorell is not my main character.

[Brenda]

Sorry, but this is a little sloppy. How would she recognize mating behavior? Why would a queen rise one and a half turns early - they only have three turns to mature, so this is like a preteen at least. Why on earth would the Weyrwoman not have told the queen's rider earlier that when her queen rose it would be for the Weyrleadership? You might want to think this through a little.

[Green~Rider]

I was a bit confused about that too. But I'm assuming the WW didn't know that her dragon wasn't going to rise anymore?. Am I right?

[Monkeysrule]

Yes, G~R, you are right. And there is a bit of a time lapse, so she has seen fire-lizards in heat. Sorry about the confusion.

[Monkeysrule]

It's finished!!

Feel free to ask questions and I'll clarify them for you.

[yuan]

Good story, nice with a story out in the Islands.
I might have missed something but I have a question from a few posts up: Who sent the firelizard and how could that person know to find them? It was her firelizard so who would know it? If they had no contact with others then who is D´wan and how could he find them?
Good writing :ok:

[Monkeysrule]

Actually, to tell the truth, I don't know myself. However, that can be explained. The dragons sent out a powerful mental message that crept into even the f-ls' minds, and the f-ls went between to the dragons who sent out the message.

[GinnyStar]

I saw this story earlier this week, and now just got around to reading it.

Great story, still confustion on how they got to the island and how that fire lizard knew were to find her.

And nice twist on AVAS plan, with the mini-threadfall, and also, how dose it end? The mini-theadfall spore, did get killed by the plan in the book.

And that odd dragonrider name not known.

I do hope you finsh it up, I like clifhanger, what happen aftereffects?