News from the Weyr

[Brenda]

This is another scene never shown in the books: what happened when Elgion got back from the Hatching?

What do you think?

[Monkeysrule]

Good job. :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

Just a little thing: you forgot a quotation mark at the end, but everything else is very well written. :applause: :applause:

[maiken]

I loved it!

[Greenrider Tresa]

Well written! You got the characters down perfectly, I think.

Just one little nit though, this line: Mavi’s eyes widened at this news but said nothing' Makes it sound as if her eyes did not speak, rather than that Mavi did not speak. :) Maybe if you'd inserted the word 'she' it'd work.





Tresa

[Dux]

I thought it was very good!! :good:

[j_mercuryuk]

I liked it. Very nice. Yanus' was spot on characterb :D

[Aurelia]

This is about Brenda's story "News from the Weyr".

My feedback: Once again, another very good story. A few remarks, though:

Alemi says "How on earth". If they were on Pern, that wouldn't be used as an oath by the 9th Pass.

You also said that M'garon gave Elgion a hand down from Wirth - wouldn't the dragon, even a smaller blue, lift his foreleg to let the passenger slide down?

I also think you could conclude the story with something a bit more finalizing than Yanus' last remark.

Other than that, great job!

[Brenda]

I changed the first two, but I think I'll keep the ending there... Yanus clearly shows that that's it, no more about Menolly.

[Lily]

I have merged the two threads

[Brenda]

Thanks! :D

[Purpura]

Good story.

[Vyon]

:applause: Good story. It did need to end with Janus being dismissive. As a girl, Menolly was never going to please him anyway, that's just how he was.

Shouldn't the word "twiddles" be in there somewhere, possibly in Mavi's reaction? I think they need to show a little more surprise that Menolly's tunes were acceptable to the Harper Hall. They're both hide-bound traditionalists, after all.

:applause: :applause: :applause:

[Japes]

Browsing through old post titles, this caught my eye.
I feel you have the reactions of Mavi and Yanus very well done. From Anne's description of them, they would not have gone into greater detail about their feelings and Menolly's prospects. Once they knew she was safe, they would dismiss her from their minds, probably with secret relief at not having to deal with her any more.
well done, nicely written.:applause:

[Brenda]

Thanks :D I've occasionally been tempted to rewrite "News From the Weyr" according to the events in "Dragonsong: An Alternate Tune", but that's a bit overwhelming!