Jennifer's Lesson: 5210word count

[Ryuu]

While I'm still trying to determine the best location for reposting TunnelSnake&FireLizard, I was thinking of resurrecting some old posts.

This one here had some ironic twists for a number of reasons. I was still working on my first novel, Attack of the Black Moon, when my cat, Stinker, died in January 1994. My character, Jennifer, was based on Stinker, and so I came up with this short on the spur of the moment--as a result, it turned out to be the first element of the Black Moon saga ever to actually be completed, even as, due to the subject, I intended this to be the last story for the series...chronologically and canonly speaking (in fact, the frame story happens several decades after the non-canon TS&FL & Last Flight--but the flashback at the center of this story happens earlier than those two ;)) Indeed, I had originally planned this to be part of a compilation to come out after the series gets published, so I hid that aspect of when this story takes place, thus leaving the fact of there being two Jennifers until the very end and you learn which of the Jennifers was from the series.

So even as this story was born in the crucible of death, I believe one of the most important things in life is the impact our loved ones have on us, and what we carry with us afterward. In that, I think of this story as the complete embodiment of the series.

Likewise, since the title can be taken to mean different things depending on how one looks at it, the title and story match perfectly and set the course for all rest of the twisty plots and prose to come. I hope you enjoyed it.

[AnnMarie]

Basically, I liked it Ryuu. But I will admit to getting confused. Are BOTH the daughter's called Jennifer?

[ChrisG]

Wow, that was unexpected! And quite good, too. I certainly didn’t expect the human to be anyone important, so nice twist there. One thing that I would like better explained is just who the captive dragon and wizard are and how they relate to the story, if at all. Was the captive dragon Baja? Was the wizard the elder Jennifer’s companion? Well, probably not … but I wouldn’t put it past you, either.

Awright, the heavy stuff:

The dragon leapt away from where he crouched the instant his sensed the magic taking shape. – He Even with the proper word in there, I still don’t like the way it reads. The dragon leapt up from his crouch the instant he sensed the magic taking shape.

Infuriated, she launched herself toward the rocky out cropping. – outcropping is a single word

The waves of emotion emanating from her, so soon after her easy defeat(,) forced her father to snort his amusement. – so soon after her easy defeat is a parenthetical element, offset by commas.

It spent its time by fascinatingly examining Jennifer's tail as the dragons resumed their conversation. – It’s a fascinatingly quirky adverb, but doesn’t really work here. Meticulously, painstakingly, conscientiously, scrupulously… all describe the examination.

I can’t! As much as I love you and you know I don’t want you hurt, I mustn’t! her father said, grasping her shoulders. – A couple ways to fix this one. Either place a comma before and you know I don’t want you hurt, making it parenthetical element (can be removed without changing the meaning), or rewrite it as As much as I love you and don’t want you hurt, I mustn’t! Personally, I think the second one reads better.

Hissing from the grinding bone shards and other injuries taken in his fall, the Gold desperately tried to evade as hurtled pieces of buildings far larger than him that were thrown by the pursuing monster. – Hmmm… Hissing from the grinding bone shards and other injuries taken in his fall, the Gold desperately tried to evade the hurtled pieces of buildings that were thrown by the pursuing monster. Nah. Hissing from the grinding bone shared and other injuries taken in his fall, the Gold desperately tried to evade as the pursuing monster hurtled pieces of buildings at him… Ugh. Hissing from the grinding bone shards and other injuries taken in his fall, the Gold desperately tried to evade as pieces of buildings far larger than he was hurtled past him. I think that last one works best—it can be safely assumed who is throwing the buildings.

The overwhelming agony made the huge dragon scream and violently writhe. He dropped the monument to fall harmlessly aside. – Before this sentence, you use the impersonal pronouns it and its. After this line, you use he, him, his. Not sure if this is intentional, though I’d keep using the impersonal pronouns until the end: He nodded again, and then laid his head down, out of direct sight, but not before the Gold had seen the tears.

He laid still; panting while the Dragon-Hero quickly readied another rocket. – laid is the past of lay which is a transitive verb requiring an object, he laid eggs. He lay still… That semicolon should be a comma.

Although, the concussion to the giant dragon's nerves had just suffered made telepathic communication impossible, the Gold sensed some return to sanity in his friend. – Don’t need the comma after although. Remove the to … alternatively, keep the to and remove the had just suffered.

I do sorely miss him, father, she said, weeping. Sometimes, I can still feel¼ – Still feel like a quarter? :confused:

[Ryuu]

Actually, there wasn't too much blood!:D

But this just means I'd better make sure to submit all the other old posts to you before tossing them to the sites :O Wow, that was unexpected! And quite good, too. I certainly didn’t expect the human to be anyone important, so nice twist there. One thing that I would like better explained is just who the captive dragon and wizard are and how they relate to the story, if at all. Was the captive dragon Baja? Was the wizard the elder Jennifer’s companion? Well, probably not … but I wouldn’t put it past you, either.actually, you're not that far from the mark:D When I first made this, I wanted to conceal the fact that this was a different Jennifer from the novels I'm still working on until her father gets into the meat of the story--assuming this would have one day gone into a future anthology after my main novels hit the shelves, I wanted the reader to think at first he was getting something of the first Jennifer's early life and the mysterious chameleon rival was a dragon hatched just after the Cataclysm rather than a story happening thousands of years after the novels :shhh: (after all, this is a *major spoiler*:D)

as for the identities of the watchers, with the corrections, there are a few more hints at who is what;)

The overwhelming agony made the huge dragon scream and violently writhe. He dropped the monument to fall harmlessly aside. – Before this sentence, you use the impersonal pronouns it and its. After this line, you use he, him, his. Not sure if this is intentional, though I’d keep using the impersonal pronouns until the end: He nodded again, and then laid his head down, out of direct sight, but not before the Gold had seen the tears.No, it wasn't intentional :O I didn't want to hide the sex of the giant dragon (I usually do that only when I wish to hide the identity or the sex of the character is irrellevant to the story). But I didn't want to confuse anyone since the confrontation was between two male dragons--which "he" is who?:confused: So I tried to differentiate by making more refferrences to the monstrous nature of Jennifer's bond mate.

I do sorely miss him, father, she said, weeping. Sometimes, I can still feel¼ – Still feel like a quarter? :confused:evidently an artifact from pasting from MSWord into here =equally:confused: it was supposed to be "Sometimes I can still feel. . . ." :erm: