Asha by Queenrider Melody

[Shalyn]

You may not want to hear what I have to say, and if that is the case, then so be it. Let me say that first, I would keep reading this story, if only to find out what the plot is going to be. However, there will be people who will give up *because* there's nothing there to 'hook' us. But since I'm sure that this is being written on the fly, there will probably be something soon.

Now - grammar, spelling and punctuation. I know I'm not the only one here who has pointed out, in the past, that your spelling needs a little bit of help, and that according to the rules of grammar, you should be starting a new paragraph when every new person begins talking. Also, when some new actions are taking place.

In the past, you have also stated that since you're not planning to send this out for publication, why does it matter?

Well, it matters to the people who are reading your submissions, that you care enough to properly follow the rules of elementary grammar.

I will say that I'm disappointed that you stopped writing your other story, since you obviously had a lot of plot in your head for it. But just because you receive one or two bad reviews doesn't mean you should stop.

[Anareth]

Please, please, please, use hard returns/paragraph breaks when a new speaker begins talking! It's incredibly annoying and hard to read when conversations run together.

[Monkeysrule]

But otherwise it's interesting. I want more!!!

[queenrider melody]

You may not want to hear what I have to say, and if that is the case, then so be it. Let me say that first, I would keep reading this story, if only to find out what the plot is going to be. However, there will be people who will give up *because* there's nothing there to 'hook' us. But since I'm sure that this is being written on the fly, there will probably be something soon.

Now - grammar, spelling and punctuation. I know I'm not the only one here who has pointed out, in the past, that your spelling needs a little bit of help, and that according to the rules of grammar, you should be starting a new paragraph when every new person begins talking. Also, when some new actions are taking place.

In the past, you have also stated that since you're not planning to send this out for publication, why does it matter?

Well, it matters to the people who are reading your submissions, that you care enough to properly follow the rules of elementary grammar.

I will say that I'm disappointed that you stopped writing your other story, since you obviously had a lot of plot in your head for it. But just because you receive one or two bad reviews doesn't mean you should stop.
Thank you for pointing that out. I was making a lot of mistakes last night, and now I know. I also need help with the whole consept of starting new paragraphs when someone new is speaking. Could you please help me with that?

Last night I was just starting it out, and it may be a little rough. There's also nothing to *hook* you guys with yet because it's just the beginning.

I have not stopped writing the other story yet, just trying to think up some good scenes. The moral that I'm hoping that you will get from Dragonsheart is that love can concur over anything, including boundries.

But otherwise it's interesting. I want more!!!
Thanks! More to come on both stories.

[Anareth]

For a good example of a hook, check out Something Evil's "Tuuli". A good way to hook the reader is to NOT begin with too much setup. Just jump as close in to the action as you can (unless you're writing a strict character piece, in which case you can fudge more, because there's not going to be much action.)

[Shalyn]

hehehe.

I copypasted your story into MSWord, so I could help you out, but it looks like you've already done it! It's much easier to read now, which makes it much more enjoyable.

There are a couple of *minor* mistakes (camps should be camp's) but otherwise, it flows well. Good job!!!!

And really, I do want to see more on the goldrider/bluerider story. That one actually did have me hooked, though I would like to take a small chance and edit it for you, just so you could see some of the small things we (the critics) were talking about.

Happy writing!

[queenrider melody]

Shalyn, I just wanted to take the chance to tell you thanks for starting this Feedback thread. I also wanted to say that I've fixed some of Dragonsheart.

[Monkeysrule]

When someone (I forgot who) said to put spaces between paragraphs, they didn't mean t between every sentence!! :roll:

But it's much more readable now. :ok:

[queenrider melody]

When someone (I forgot who) said to put spaces between paragraphs, they didn't mean t between every sentence!! :roll:

But it's much more readable now. :ok:
They said make new paragraphs when someone new is speaking and when new actions take place. I'm doing the best I can! I just want to write it for fun, too, you know. Ok?

[Monkeysrule]

Okay.

I like how you spelled "orderves". Belive it or not, it's actually "hors d'oeuvres". :eek: I'd have to admit, though, I had to look in the dictionary to find the actual spelling. I think it's French or something.

[Anareth]

Okay.

I like how you spelled "orderves". Belive it or not, it's actually "hors d'oeuvres". :eek: I'd have to admit, though, I had to look in the dictionary to find the actual spelling. I think it's French or something.

*giggles* "Or something..." Yes, monkeysrule, it's French. Trust the French to stick in about three times the letters you actually need to pronounce it. (Take a Le Cordon Bleu cooking course sometimes--we get LOTS of fun words like that!)

[Green~Rider]

Hors d'oeuvres? :faint::eek: What a mouthful!!

[Green~Rider]

And I mean a MOUTHFUL!!!

At parties and such, I always have mouthfuls of HD's.

[Monkeysrule]

It is a mouthful, innit?

Especially when they serve goat cheese!! I really have big mouthfuls then!!

[Green~Rider]

Mmmm....you've got my mouth watering again...

*drools and heads for refrigerator*