The Dragon Hunters

[Monkeysrule]

So what do you think? It's only just started.

I take gentle criticism well, so feel free to comment and ask questions :)

[yuan]

Interessting idea. Cool and unsettling that the dragons are seen as "bad guys". Do you think underground caves is where they would go? Maybe high in some inaccessible mountains or on some distant Islands would also be alternative hidingplaces for flying creatures.
Good job, you've at least got one follower! :ok:

[Monkeysrule]

I appreciate the feedback very much. :)

[Monkeysrule]

So...I've posted more, and decided to make this story revolve more on setting and plot. However, if you have any suggestions on how I could characterize Wallan or any other later characters, that would be great ;).

[Brenda]

What was the line about, "Unfortunately, he had let his guard down."? It sounds like because he had let his guard down about the fire lizard, that something was sneaking up on him... Maybe you could put, "It was harmless, but he still shouldn't have let his guard down. He needed to be more careful."

[Monkeysrule]

Thanks for the tip.

[queenrider melody]

Very, very good. But, I was wondering if you could take one last suggestion. Maybe, if time passes in your thread, you should put some symbols in between the two lines. Maybe put *s or something like that.

[Brenda]

Maybe, if time passes in your thread, you should put some symbols in between the two lines. Maybe put *s or something like that.
I did that in my current story "Ghost in the Tunnels" - go check it out! :storyplug:

[Anareth]

You asked for characterization tips. This'll probably end up being more general, but I'll give it a go. (I apologize in advance for any typos or fuzzy thinking--I'm running on zero sleep at the moment.)

Remember the whole "Show, don't tell" thing? What I would recommend, to bring out Wallan more as a character, is instead of telling us that he's planning to run away, show us. Show him dealing with his parents or siblings, show us through actions why he feels he has to make a run to another Hold, why he'd even risk running into those "evil" dragons to get away. Instead of telling us in narration that people think dragons are evil, show us that--show us people who hate and fear the dragons. Perhaps have Wallan talking to a friend/ally in his home hold (he must have someone--even Menolly did) and have him confess his thoughts about running away, and have even this 'good guy' react with horror at the thought Wallan might run into those dragons out there. Once we know Wallan, and are invested in him as a characater, we can handle the necessary long narrative passages where he's wandering alone.

Also, just a peeve, it's a bit odd you've got that firelizard in there and the scene just kind of ends. Unless the firelizard's going to turn out to be a spy for the dragonriders. Otherwise it's a bit random.

[Monkeysrule]

I did that in my current story "Ghost in the Tunnels" - go check it out! :storyplug:
I did reads it :ok:

[Monkeysrule]

Anareth, I'd have to admit I agree with much of what you said. I have a habit of rushing beginnings and ends. Thanks for the tips.

[Monkeysrule]

I edited it and added a bit more background. How is it now? :O

[Anareth]

Definitely better! I would have devoted an entire proper chapter, without flashbacks, to setting up Wallan's life, but this is a definite improvement. My impression is some of y'all here have this fear of writing length. When you've got the room to play, as we do, why not go for it? Better to take longer to get it done and have something really detailed than just get stuff up as soon as possible.

New section: your dialogue's improving, and I like the new character, though the dialect is a bit wonky--be careful trying to write dialect unless you're really comfortable, and use it sparingly. (I have one character who speaks with a profound accent, and I don't use him often, and when I do, I limit the accent so you just get the general idea.) My only real issue is that Wallan seems remarkably calm and self-posessed talking to this dragonrider for someone who's grown up thinking these are people-eating monsters. He doesn't argue, sound more nervous, try to run, any of it? He just seems a bit rational, especially for a child. I like that you've apparently dropped the elided names for male dragonriders--shows how disconnected they've become from the old Weyr culture.

[rider_of_the_last_queen]

I read most of it and found it to be really cool. I like it!

[Brenda]

I agree that he should be more frightened by the second dragon, and by having a stranger sneak up on him in the cave!

How did he not notice the mural turning into a tunnel? You make it sound like that wasn't there before.

One little nitpick - you said he speared redfins and fingerlings - I think fingerlings are very tiny, not much longer than a finger, so he wouldn't be able to spear them. I think they would be netted.

Keep going - I really like this concept!

[Monkeysrule]

I fixed the fingertail thing. Tomorrow I'll fix the part when he sees the dragon. Thanks.

[Monkeysrule]

Just to let you know, I've been adding to the story on the same post, so even if it doesn't look like I put anything new, it might have been added to. :)

[Monkeysrule]

Updated! Sorry I took so long :O. I was w-b'ed.

[Monkeysrule]

More story added on the same edited post.

Feedback please! Suggestions, nitpicks, etc.

[Green~Rider]

Monkey, I really like it, but just one thing: You posted one undermy username. I logged out before I left, but it must have been saved onto your computer or something like that, because one of the posts is...well, yeah. I deleted it, but before you freak out, I pm'ed it to you.

To the others out there: I did not write that. That was my wacko cousin who "forgot" to sign back in after I used her computer (yes, go ahead and blame me!:razz: ). Nice one, Monkey:roll:.

"Quite a relief, I'd have o admit." Typo, by the way!

[Monkeysrule]

Where've you been Green Rider? (I'll fix the typo later)

Sorry about that guys! Blame the infestation of bugs in the software:roll:. Been having trouble logging out and back in for a while...

[Monkeysrule]

Thanks for PMing it, but I fixed that long ago. The trouble was, once I changed back to mine, I couldn't delete the old one because I don't know your password. Thanks for finally deleting it.:roll: