Beisla's Poems

[Bamy]

i really love those poems, especially the first! :good:

[Ghyle]

Just noticed this forum, so I'll post my remarks here, rather than email or pm Beisla.

With "Travel the mountains gray and cold", you have a skillful use of quatrains with a rubaiyat rhyme scheme. Overall, it's an evocative piece, despite its occasional lapses. You may consider placing a semicolon at the end of line three; the syntax, as I read it, demands a recognition of the change from this line to the next, and yet, while preserving the lines' independence of meaning, it preserves their closeness. With line seven, the use of 'thee' as a rhyme should be avoided if you are using the 'you' forms in the rest of the poem. If you are to use the familiar forms, you will also need to remember the associated verb forms, and other syntax demanded. Line ten, with "the grass turned stone", is a bit awkward. I recommend inserting the auxiliary verb 'has', immediately after "grass". The expansion of the rhythm is not such that it would break the metre, and it would improve the meaning. The final line breaks the rhythm completely. You should shorten it, make it closer to the rest; "Every green thing of the earth is still gold." perhaps?

I also liked "Echoes" quite a bit. I'm not so sure about line four. Perhaps replacing the weak "will go" with the stronger present "goes" would work, irregardless of making this a pararhyme. You could also ending the penultimate line with a comma, and dropping the "and" from the final line. This gives you a stronger rhythmic pause at the line's end, and a stronger ending.

With your final poem, just adding commas at the ends of lines three and seven would make the poem stronger. Other than that, don't touch it: it's otherwise haunting, and eminently enjoyable.

On the whole, then, you've got a fine little selection here. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work. Have you thought of posting in your native language(s?) as well?

My :2cent: