Brother in Arms

[Anareth]

Once again I find myself in the position of feedback whore. But really, there's a thing called "Views" where I can see people have clicked on the thread.

Is a little feedback too much to ask?

[Annadel]

The story's quite good. The description works well, it flows, and it's believable. There are the regular typos sprinkled about, but that's to be expected. There are a few slightly awkward sentences, particuarlly in the opening paragraphs, which could do with a little tweeking. Rewording them so you can remove a comma or two would help.

One of the best tips I've ever gotten is going through and holding each "that" at gunpoint. If it doesn't absolutely have to be there, cut it. You'll eleminate a good deal of passive phrasing and tighten up your writing in one fell swoop.

[Anareth]

What typos? If you could point them out, I'd appreciate it. (I'm one of those who has trouble spotting things like 'hte' in my own writing--I've been staring at it so long I fill in what's there.) Not to mention I'm cutting and pasting from WordPerfect so it sometimes does odd things to the formatting. (That and I just get punchdrunk sometimes. Alavid's name is close to one of my profic characters, and I have to go through and make sure I haven't written "Alan" where I meant "Alavid." If at any point, too, Eliara turns into "Elaine", that's the same problem.) Spelling on all 'real' words should be right as SpellCheck is on when I work it. Grammatik I have to shut off because it doesn't work well in fiction. (See below.)

On the passive and such--if I use it, I mean to. That goes for most grammer rules, actually--I've been writing long enough I know the rules, and when I can break them. Even when I don't necessarily want to because it sounds funny--example would be characters who end spoken lines with prepositions, which drives me nuts, but frequently they're not the sort of people who'd jump through hoops while talking and use the accusative correctly. Generally the only feedback I want/need here is plot and character-related, not technical. (Yes, I'm arrogant, but I've also sold fiction and wrote nonfiction for most of my jobs. I can back it up.) There are a few minor sentence issues (me and my comma-laden first paragraph tendencies, for example, though run-ons seem to be a hallmark when Alan/Alavid/A'vid is my POV) but overall I don't make dumb technical errors anymore. I just make dumb typos and write characters who annoy more than entertain. ;)

Or have specialty technical problems--I don't write many physical fight scenes. I also don't have a background in street fighting. So does this one suck? Or is it reasonable?

[Annadel]

I understand about breaking grammatical rules. I wasn't accusing you of not knowing the rules or trying to be snarky in any way. I'm simply used to editing the work of sales people who cannot write. Plus, having trained to be a newspaper reporter, before I realized newspapers are a dying breed, and now working at a radio station, "that" is a pet peive of mine. When you're limited to 80 or 160 words, depending on ad length, deadwood words are the last thing you need.

The fight scene isn't bad, though it wasn't what I expected. Personally, I always thought dragonriders would be better fighters than Alavid seemed to be. I know he's up against two huge goons with weapons while trying to protect his wounded brother, but his firelizard seems to be doing more fighting back than Alavid. His noticing the way one of the guards held his knife like he knew what he was doing was a good touch. Many people don't realize an untrained or unexperienced fighter usually hold a knife out in front of them instead of with the blade pulled in toward the arm. (If you haven't guessed, with over five years in the martial arts, I do have the background to comment here.)

It's getting rather late here, so I will try to track down the one or two typos I saw sometime tomorrow.


I realize I only have six college publications and five or six publications in non-paying ezines under my belt, but such matters seem unimportant. If you decide to post your work in this forum and ask for feedback, it stands to reason you have a desire to improve your skills farther, even if you have been published numerous times in professional markets. (Congradulations, by the way.) I used to become very defensive about my work and snap back at any and all who critiqued it in any way I thought negative before I realized the people I was snapping at were only trying to help, and in most cases, they weren't being very negative at all. I don't blindly follow all advise thrown my way, but I do take it into consideration. Even if I meant to write something one way, I'll go back and take another look at it. Sometimes, I decide it's best off as it is, but other times it really does read better when the suggested changes are made.

I do apologize if I misunderstood your tone in the earlier post. It can be very difficult to make things come out the way you want them to in a chat room or forum, so they will not be read in a completely different tone.

[Anareth]

Uh....his name should be a hint. He's not a dragonrider. ;) He'd be A'vid then, and that's another universe (the Dragonchoice alternate universe, as a matter of fact, but that's another story.) Alavid's a journeyman dragonhealer (and yes, there's a story on why Eliara, who's younger than he is, is a Master, or as her 'sona sheet says, conditional Master) and not really much for fighting. Denmar might actually know more than he does, but he was overmatched, and as I'm sure you noticed the story's not really about him, anyway. ;)

Glad you like the bit about the knife--I know just enough about knife-fighting to know when to bail, but I have friends who are far too into sharp pointy things and doing dangerous stuff with them.

I don't mean to snipe, and of course newpaper editing is totally different! It's just that the kind of feedback I generally want is usually not basic stuff, and when it comes to detailed technical feedback, a) with fan fic I don't worry that much and b) with my profic, I have a friend who's a pro that I go to. Here, I'm more interested in reader reactions--do people like the characters, do they care, are they bored sick, and specific to this forum, does it sound at all Pernese? I'm actually surprised I didn't get any response that "Ruatha would NEVER be like that!" (And sorry I don't resolve the matter, but this is RP based and that's an ongoing RP issue.)

And at least you read/reviewed! I'd even settle for reviews that just said "This was nice." Just some sign it's been read. Like I said in your story's feedback thread, people, we can SEE that you've clicked on the link...

[Brightwing]

And why did I have to find this, lurking on page 2 of the fiction forum? You should have posted a link to it in the NRW list (or if you did I apologise for missing it lol).

I loved it. But then I just love reading anything about your two characters Alavid and Eliara.

I didn't want it to end. :D

More fic on those two. We demand more! ;)

[Anareth]

Hee...what with Alavid being every queen rider's go-to guy for every problem? When WILL he have time?

I'll try and think up something, maybe next weekend when I've got four lovely days with nothing to do. (But sleep. Lovely, lovely sleep...)

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

First of all, what an immaculate story! I love your very polished style and how you're able to take your time in events and keep a steady pace. I adore the antics you're written into Deecie! :rofl2: Overall, I think this is an excellant piece of writing, and it all seems very realistic - all of the dialogue, the interaction between Eliara and Alavid especially, action, the medical parts - you really know what you're doing :applause:

With the love interest, I really enjoy how it all played out. The POV from Alavid is very believable in his confusion and tinges of jealousy without coming off as being needy. The ending fit so well, and I'm glad it didn't turn into a sap fest, you've written a fulfilling ending that doesn't need to resort to "You're my one twoo wub and everything's all happy now!" :laugh:

As for how it "fits" in Pern, I think you did a very good job. I like how you're able to make mostly tame events and situations interesting. It flowed very well, not needing to chuck in "shards!" or "By Faranth!" everywhere just to make it sound Pernese. You did use a few of these, but it was well placed. Thank you for writing such an engaging, realistic Pern fic, writing like yours is rare :bow:

I don't have very many real criticisms, most of it is very clear and precise. But in the first paragraph, this sentence didn't quite seem right - 'Not to mention, he thought, as he smiled at a group of girls in weavercraft apprentices’ knots, who giggled and smiled back from behind shyly-raised hands, it was always good to see new faces!'
To me, it seems like there's too much crammed into one sentence, though I do realize how it should fit into one to get the idea across.

The rest are just minor typos or other tidbits like that. I'm not sure how it fits in with the rules, but if a hyphen is being used between separate words, I prefer to see a space between them, otherwise at first glance it looks like a conjoined word.


In the second paragraph, I assume it means his Gather Vest, rather than best.

This should be 'then'... Once he wakes up and I’m sure he’s lucid enough I’ll fellis him, but until them . . .
I'm assuming this means "I've had"... He tried to straighten up and nearly bit through his lip. “Really, I’ve have worse from an annoyed patient. Dragons are ticklish, you know.”

Most of the problems were with jumbled quotation marks. Isn't it awful how cutting and pasting messes that up? :irked: Alavid raised an eyebrow and beside him Eliara groaned. “Papa . . . . “

”You do mention him a great deal, daughter dear,”
Alavid wondered what sort of odds Denmar would have given him, and shook off the thought. “I’ll bear it mind.” He glanced towards the women’s line, and noticed Eliara had withdrawn. “I don’t mean to be rude-“
“Alavid-“ He heard his name, and almost stopped, but instead he picked up the pace and didn’t slow down until he’d lost himself in the crowds and there
was no chance of her catching up.
“I don’t exactly have marks to burn, no,” Alavid said. “You know better than to ask, anyway. Even if I did I’m not risking it on racing. Besides, that would be endorsing it-“

”Oh, you and your runners!” Denmar shook his head.
He turned, squinting in the dim glowlight. There was a figure there, shadowed against the canvas of the tent, hunched and gripping one arm as if in pain. “Who’s–“ He stepped closer. “Denmar!”
“Robbers? Why didn’t you find a Healer? The Hold-“

”The Hold?” Denmar’s tone suggested he would have laughed, if it hadn’t hurt so much.
...
“Someone from Ruatha? But . . . you have to report them. The Lord–“

”It was his Steward, him and his thugs, who did this,” Denman wheezed.
“She must be a real hellion if–“ Denmar choked off whatever he’d been going to say
...
“Don’t let me slow you down,” Denmar gasped, trying to pull back, but Alavid tightened his grip. “Alavid–“

”You think Ma would ever speak to me again if I left you here to bleed to death?"
Pain or no pain, he felt wonderful. “I don’t think anything’s broken, but Denmar–“

Eliara had spotted Denmar, and was already stepping to him, that brisk professionalism back again as she bent over his brother’s still form. “He’s losing blood. Knife wound–doesn’t look too deep but I can’t be sure. I need a proper infirmary. The Hold–“
“Always at your service, my lady,” he said, “and if there’s anything else you need–“

”Go on with you,” she said, already picking up her scissors and cutting away her makeshift bandage and much of Denmar’s sleeve.
“He’s a dragonrider. That’s the way dragonriders are. They already belong to their dragons, so it’s not as if anyone else can have a claim. That’s what makes them so–“ She stopped, and he saw in her eyes she’d said more than she meant to.
When she’d finished, he took the cot beside Denmar, tugging off his boots and trying to find a comfortable way to lie down before trying one last time, “I can sit up with him, if you’re tired–“

”Alavid, don’t make me get out the fellis,” she said.

Outside of those typographical errors, this kind of stuck out to me... The other man (Ialo?) was busy, as he had Denmar by the arm (the bad one) and was bringing the club up for another blow, aiming for Denmar’s unprotected head. Having "the bad one" in brackets just seems to be a shift of style, I thought it might look a bit better if it had been written "The other man (Ialo?) was busy, as he had Denmar by his bad arm..."

When they were flying straight up to North Ranges on Gordianth, I'm not sure I find it entirely plausible that all 4 would fit, especially with neck-ridges to impede space and comfort. I know they fit 4 on Ruth, but they had an entire back to fit on, not just the crook of a neck. However it was *necessary* that all 4 went, two of the passengers experienced healers and one being Denmar's brother as well... so I guess belief has to be suspended for the sake of the story ;)

[Anareth]

Gordianth is a brown. If they can stick four on Ruth, they should easily fit. Not to mention four fit easily on B'lerion's Nabeth, too. How small do you think dragons are?

Yes, the first sentence is rather over-comma-spliced. The parenthesis, however, is a thought pattern thing (more appropriate, really, to Alavid's earthbound alter ego) but you can see that's how I tend to think, too. Also, it's typographically incorrect to put spaces between the long hyphen. It shouldn't be confusing as it's plainly not a hypen--it's twice as long. Word-processors automatically convert a -- to a solid line. The word processor is also responsible for inverting the close-quotes marks when a sentence gets broken off (probably a relic of them being designed for business writing, not fiction. The grammatix gets very huffy over things you have to do in fiction that you would never do in a business letter, which is why I never use it.)

No, it's his gather best. Haven't you ever heard anyone refer to their good clothes as "my Sunday best"? It's one of those implied-object constructions.