Kath
24th June 2005, 08:55 PM
I don't think this is just me, but this story reads more like a summary of a movie/tv show than, well, a story. You seem to have a reasonable plot worked out, and your characters clearly have more to them than meets the eye, but there's very little substance to your actual prose. Yes, this is a fairly big criticism, but it's an easy one to work on. All you really need are more words in each scene: set the scene first, show us what your characters are doing, how they interact with each other and their surroundings, and advance the plot gradually. At the start, we have Shawant meeting someone and being given a wher egg - there's so much more you can have in here. You could describe the scene, what Shawant sees, how he feels, how he's expecting the wher handler to treat him - and when he's offered the egg, you can do more than just say that he leaves with it. How does he approach it? Is the Wher Queen around watching him? What does it feel like? Is it heavy? Does he have to be careful carrying it? Does it fill him with a newfound sense of adultness and maturity? Basically, what you have so far are the basis of a decent story, but right now they're really the bare bones of it and no more. YOU know more of the story, and can envision what's really going on with crystal clarity. But unless you flesh it out more, your reader cannot.
A second point - you describe some aspect of your characters every time we see them, but is it really important that so-and-so is 5'4"? Only if he's struggling to reach a high shelf, or if he's the perfect height to kiss his girlfriend, or if it advances the plot in some way. Why do you need to tell us that someone's eyes are twinkling, if no one in the story picks up on it? It's fine (albeit heavily cliched) to have someone wishing they could fall in to the deep green pools of their beloved's eyes, say, or noticing a dark angry glare from a jealous peer, but is it really useful to the story to say something more on the lines of so-and-so looked out of the window with twinkling blue eyes? Maybe if they then smooth the skirts of their full blue gather dress, chosen specifically to bring out their eyes. Or if they've just been told a joke and are suppressing laughter. It's great to describe your characters when it advances the plot, or if it adds to their characterisation, or if you're simply being descriptive. But when there's little to nothing of any other kind of description in the text, such things stand out a mile, and seem no more than window dressing at worst, and notes for a casting/costume director at best.
On the plus side, you CAN make something much better out of this, and it should be a very valuable learning experience. No one becomes an expert writer over night, after all. All of us unpublished wannabes have a loooong way to go!
A second point - you describe some aspect of your characters every time we see them, but is it really important that so-and-so is 5'4"? Only if he's struggling to reach a high shelf, or if he's the perfect height to kiss his girlfriend, or if it advances the plot in some way. Why do you need to tell us that someone's eyes are twinkling, if no one in the story picks up on it? It's fine (albeit heavily cliched) to have someone wishing they could fall in to the deep green pools of their beloved's eyes, say, or noticing a dark angry glare from a jealous peer, but is it really useful to the story to say something more on the lines of so-and-so looked out of the window with twinkling blue eyes? Maybe if they then smooth the skirts of their full blue gather dress, chosen specifically to bring out their eyes. Or if they've just been told a joke and are suppressing laughter. It's great to describe your characters when it advances the plot, or if it adds to their characterisation, or if you're simply being descriptive. But when there's little to nothing of any other kind of description in the text, such things stand out a mile, and seem no more than window dressing at worst, and notes for a casting/costume director at best.
On the plus side, you CAN make something much better out of this, and it should be a very valuable learning experience. No one becomes an expert writer over night, after all. All of us unpublished wannabes have a loooong way to go!