The Last Hope Feedback

[Mayhem]

The Last Hope (http://annemccaffreyfans.org/forum/showthread.php?t=5201)

Please feel free to leave feedback. Go easy on me tho please?
First real attempt here....

[pern_queen_rider]

Hm...one thing...

you don't really explain Why the queen is so transformed.
Is she sick? Did something happen to her in egg? Did it have to do with the Weyrleader's dragon dying and her mother's pain?

Tell!

Other than that it was an interesting, new, refreshing read.

[Mayhem]

That shall be fixed right away! I'll add a bit in Chapter 11:
The dragonhealer scratched his head, unsure of how to tell the Weyrwoman what he knew. It was a sevenday after the clutching, and the eggs were hardening nicely. That was good news. The one problem with the eggs was the worry of deformed or stillborn hatchlings due to the stress after the flight and Kirenth's injuries, though they wouldn't know if there were any until the hatching itself.

and a bit in Chapter 12:
A cheer rose and then fell into a horrified hush as the hatchling stood. Their fears about deformation due to stress had come true. The Gold was grotesque, a far cry from the other hatchlings.

Any better? I should have made that clearer the first time huh!
:D

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

This is the most gutsy move I've ever seen a fanfic writer do... totally obliterate the world. I was excited hearing that this wouldn't be a happy ending for once, but this is a doozy! But VERY well accomplished and was very gripping. The flight was just phenomenal, with such gritty reality and I could picture it all crystal clear. You have all the elements here to be able to expand it to nearly book length if you ever have the patience to do so.

One thing I'd like to see expanded is the last part. Let us see even more of the destruction of the world, everything falling apart, and the suffering of the remnants of the world, so that the loss of our beloved Pern really sinks in (though it already was a huge shocker!) I'm a bit confused as to why no dragons flew thread, I know that there was very few left, but I'd think they'd go to the death fighting it.

All in all, this was a fantastic piece of work, and thank you so much for producing something so different and original! :applause: :bow:

[Mayhem]

I am removing the epilogue. Bronzie suggested I add some stuff......I like the idea of it :evil:
Few more chapters to come, and a rewritten epilogue.

[Anareth]

There's a difference between writing dark and writing, "Well, guess I'll go shoot myself in the head now." This has gone way over the line from "Pern is not a shiney-happy place" into Kurt Cobain in the basement with a shotgun territory.

I think the problem is it's very rushed. (Overlooking that sometimes you have a tense problem--things are suddenly in the present tense when overall you're writing in past.) But the chapters are extremely short, and you really do a lot more telling than showing. Instead of telling us in an infodump that Holders are running off to the hills, or doing something as hysterical as a mass suicide attempt, why not show us?

We don't really get to know the characters at all, which makes it very hard to figure what's going on and why. There's very little foreshadowing which specifically hints at what's going to happen to Garmeth. And while the idea of a bronze rider going insane because of his dragon's loss and taking revenge on the queen's rider is cool, but I have a plausibility problem with the mechanics of his revenge. It seems unnecessarily complicated, not to mention a bit unlikely that anyone would just believe that a dead dragon was alive, even a queen (and how does she hear him? It's a real ghost voice? I think it would work better to play with that rather than, as it appears, flat-out make it a real voice. Unless there's the implication that Nilmaramen somehow projected the voice to the queen.) And the odds that, as all this was happening, he would have time to get to a green's weyr (the green has a weyr with ground access?), sabotage the harness, find the right rider, and get the Weyrwoman to take THAT dragon, while evading questions about why he doesn't want to go (if it means getting to his own dragon, who's supposedly alive, and who would know better than the rider if it were really true?) and how it happened (even in the heat of the moment no one wonders how it's possible?) It's relying an awful lot on luck and pure chance.

The idea's really interesting, if more than a little over the top, but the execution needs work. Maybe a couple more characters, and some more clarity to the Weyrwoman's character. There'd be a lot more than just Benden involved if this were the last queen dragon on the entire plantet.

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

I don't know *exactly* what Plat has in store, but she's adding more all the time. I think this was just a basic idea of everything that's happening and keep expanding around that.

As for the voice of Gar, I asked her the exact same thing. She added more in there elaborating on it, so if you go back and check it should explain it for you.

[Mayhem]

Cheers for that Bronzie
More will be added, and bits expanded. It is rushed, because it is meant to be frantic. I wanted to concentrate on the riders not the holders. I may write some holder views, I may not. Garmeth's death isn't foreshadowed because it was a total surprise, and the healers did say he may not be fit to fly, there wasn't enough technology to make a clear diagnosis, or there would have been. I added a section about why Gar's voice was heard at Bronzie's suggestion, ad I am workin on it all the time. As to why a Greenrider was on the ground floor.....there are less than 100 dragons left at Benden weyr..... space for those who wish to be ground level. As I say, it is bein worked on, but I don't intend to expand much more at the start, though a few more chapters at the start are to be added :D
Thanks for the feedback!

[Mayhem]

Right!
1st and second chapters lengthened............10 to go

:faint:

[Brenda]

I'm glad that you went on to include threadfall, but I have a BIG nitpick: punctuation, run-on sentences and comma splicing.

Examples:
He sighed, he and his had always supported the dragonriders and it felt like a betrayal to leave like this, but this was the only option available to them, he had promised his people they would find safety, and find safety they would.Corrections:
He sighed; he and his family had always supported the dragonriders. It felt like a betrayal to leave like this, but this was the only option available to them. He had promised his people they would find safety, and find safety they would.

Jerim was watching the storm approach, it had gained speed, and now the cloud was a dense grey, reaching from sky to water in what looked to be a solid wall. A hint of unease danced at the corner of his mind, that cloud, it seemed unnatural, no cloud he has seen came onwards in an almost straight channel, and this one was definately doing that. People were bustling round getting the ship safe, better to ride this storm out then turn and risk being taken broadside, and that required everything to be lashed down tight, flying cargo could be more dangerous than a storm. The cloud was less then a couple of dragonlengths from them now, and the rain was so heavy it looked like a silver curtain, he looked at the wall of rain advancing with a hint of awe tinged with fear, it was so strange to him.Jerim was watching the storm approach. It had gained speed, and now the cloud was a dense grey, reaching from sky to water in what looked to be a solid wall. A hint of unease danced at the corner of his mind; that cloud seemed unnatural. No cloud he had ever seen came onwards in an almost straight channel, and this one was definitely doing that. People were bustling round getting the ship safe; better to ride this storm out then turn and risk being taken broadside, and that required everything to be lashed down tight, as flying cargo could be more dangerous than the storm itself. The cloud was less then a couple of dragonlengths from them now, and the rain was so heavy it looked like a silver curtain. He looked at the advancing wall of rain with a hint of awe tinged with fear at its strangeness.



Just a lot of extra commas and misused commas, and not enough semicolons and periods. A lot of your sentences could be broken up as I just did. Also some basic misspellings - definately was one of them.

My suggestion? If you haven't done this already, copy it into Microsoft Word and run the Spell check and the Grammar check. Follow the suggestions unless you have a good reason not to. This is basic stuff - you should run a spell check before you ever post a story. Grammar is harder, I know, but you need to check that too.

Also, once you have it in Word you can save it as a backup copy. I know people lost stories when the OKT closed down; it's a good idea to have a backup.



Now, a story question: do they no longer have fire lizards? The Istans should have been able to send a message to the Weyr - surely the Lord Holder would have had a fire lizard, and it would have seen dragons at one time or another.

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

It was mentioned that most of the Northern firelizards were wiped out in the Plague.

[Mayhem]

I am in the process of trying to find a free spellchacker. I am writing this on wordpad and have no spellcheck. I do have a backup copy, and if my run on sentaces are a bother, sorry. I have trouble with that, all part and parcel of the general dyslexia, it isn't intentional. And with definately, how DO you spell it, cos you spelled it the way I did........... I learned to write sentances at my school, and what I did there was accepted, and certainly never caused a problem. I will try, but frankly speaking, this IS the way I write. Changing may take some time. And Bronzie, thanks again :bow:

[Brenda]

Sorry - the correct spelling is definitely. I do admire what you're doing with this story.

[Mayhem]

tyty :D

I shall change that tomorrow! I NEED a spellchecker SO bad huh ;) I am lookin for a free one tomorrow, I'd have had word but can't install it due to beggared dvd rom drive :crazy:

If I sounded snappy before, that was the toothache talkin, and thank you for the feedback! I will be reworking it all when I am done, but have a while to go :erm: It's kinda running away with me now...........

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

If you can't find one, I'd be happy to run it through my spell checker if you want.

[Mayhem]

fanfic: 31 pages, 18,489 words, 81,985 characters no spaces, 100,387 characters, with spaces, 135 paragraphs, 1,420 lines

All spell, and grammar checked! Will repost tomorrow.

I HAVE WORD!!!!!

[Bronze-Dragonrider]

WOOT! Been wanting to read it SO bad, can't wait to see it! :woohoo:

[maiken]

I love it, plat! Very well written, and it really draws you in! I want to read more!:bow:

[Mayhem]

Right! Edited, condensed 2 chapters into one, spell AND grammar checked, and added a new chapter. Will try and add the next chapter next weekend ^.^