Different Sides, Pern Queen Rider.

[Something Evil]

Just one piece of advice...

When posting something in the FFF, it's much better to make it read like a proper story, not a short and probably not too well thought out RP post. Make sure to check your spelling at least, and flesh out the story properly-- it would be a tremendous improvement and you would also be more likely to get feedback.

And do read what has been posted on such matters here in the past.

[pern_queen_rider]

Crap. Sorry to keep is short but it's a well devoloped, I just need to type the rest and get it up. SOrry.

[Something Evil]

Something like Dragonchoice is a well developed story, unfortunately I can't say that yours is..

If you're not going to make more of an effort in writing than to toss together something that isn't much more than a few lines of dialogue, why bother?

That said, it may become a fairly interesting story if you flesh it out properly.

[Brenda]

Right now this looks like a sketch, something as a reference to work from. I'm not impressed, though I am intrigued; I would like to see it when it is a finished product.

[pern_queen_rider]

I want ideas to work with.

What do you think might make this story more interesting? Why? What would/shoul I expand on(about everytihng I assume)

[Kath]

I want ideas to work with.

What do you think might make this story more interesting? Why? What would/shoul I expand on(about everytihng I assume)

Okay, you have a story of sorts in there already - I'd concentrate on getting that into shape before adding any other plot points.

As others have stated, this reads more like a sketch, RP dialogue, a script, an outline... but not a story. It's still a long way from that, I'm afraid. All you have right now are the bare bones.

So, how can you fix it?
Well, at present, you have some description, but not much - it feels like you've just thrown some token adjectives at each sentence of dialogue, and have hoped that some of them will stick. You must have a mental image of what's going on within the story - share it with us! Let's take an example - the first scene in the council room. We don't need to hear the whole conversation, by any means, but you can give us a clearer picture of what's going on.

This is how I might adapt such an opening:

Aza felt a cold chill in the pit of her stomach, as the implication of the weyrwoman's words sunk in. Her voice tightly controlled, she demanded an explanation from the older woman sitting calmly on the other side of the room.
"What do you mean I can't stand?" She could feel her face flushing with anger, which she hated even more. Blonde haired and pale skinned, she'd spent turns unsuccessfully trying to conceal the emotions which her face would so readily display.

Do you see what I'm trying to do here? Give the reader a picture of the room, its occupants, and their emotional state. I use your description of Aza's hair, but try and give it some PURPOSE. This is a pet hate of mine. It's great to provide the reader with an idea of what people/things look like, but often it can be hard not to do so as an info-dump: dumping the information out there in a manner which serves no purpose in terms of plot/characterisation. You info-dump again a few lines later, by getting Aza to say "Damn you Sarie, Weyrwoman of Igen Weyr. Damn you and your queen Elarth." Okay, it gets the information across to the reader, but really, this is ever so clumsy.

You need a bit more set-up. So, there's a bronze on the ledge. Is he always there? Did he just appear randomly? Was he waiting for Aza? Or called up by either Sarie or Elarth? TELL us!

Moving on to other comments. I'm not sure that "unclear" is the right word for much of the rest of the story, but it comes close. "confusing" is another. You need to give us more information, more background, and a little less ambiguity. Don't just throw in flashback tags. Tell us who is having the flashback (presumably Sarie), and why - what else is going on in their head to bring up the memory.

Okay, this is just a teensy-weensy bit of stuff to be working on given how much work the story needs, but don't be disheartened. We all start somewhere, and can ALL improve!

[Anareth]

At our Weyr, this would be considered too sparse even for an RP post. (Actually at every Weyr I've played in so far, even the short-lived twinkie Weyr.) It's basically an outline.

Like Kath said--describe, and make it relevant. I've always written with description (clumsy, silly, cliched description at first, but something that LOOKED like a book) so it's hard for me to explain what I mean, but . . . well, look at Kath's suggested alteration. SHOW us what's going on. Don't laundry-list.

You've presumably read the Pern books. Does Anne ever just have characters spouting dialogue on a blank stage? Do characters just walk in without explanation? Especially with something as hideously confusing as the twin girls/queens plot point, you need it to be a lot clearer what's going on and where.

Also, I suspect (because you're not the only person posting here to do this) you've got a tendency to just want to hit the high points--she can't stand! She Impresses! She has a queen! The queen rises! Her long-lost twin and her mother's identity are discovered! She's senior Weyrwoman for no apparent reason (since when does a senior queen just arbitrarily announce "My queen's never rising again, and instead of waiting to see which queen rises next I'm saying you're it, and that you're my biological daughter doesn't make it look like nepotism, really")! The end. We don't have any time to get to to know her at all, so we have no real reason to care about her.

Basically, you have an outline. You need to sit down, look at your character, figure out who she is besides long-lost twin who Impresses gold, and why we should care about her.

[Shalyn]

I want ideas to work with.

What do you think might make this story more interesting? Why? What would/shoul I expand on(about everytihng I assume)

Well - it does need to be fleshed out. A lot. Throughout the whole thing, until the end, I thought that we had a multiple personality disorder Impressing two dragons. It wasn't until that last section that had me realizing it was twins!

Some of the conversations didn't make a lot of sense - such as

L'ar frowned at his mate.
"You mean there is NOTHING in the records?" He asked.
"Nothing L'ar. Nothing! Not even with whers." Sarie said, her voice breaking. "I just don't want the queen to break out of her rider's control in flight!"
"They won't let that happen Sarie, you know how stubborn they arre, thanks to you-, well, their parent's genes.

Sarie chuckled and nodded as she turned her attention to the Weyrligns by the lake.

Obviously, you had in mind what you wanted to write about, and this whole story makes sense to you. But to us, the readers, we need more information. It's no fun reading a story when you have no idea what's going on!

[pern_queen_rider]

Ack been busy. Have HAD practiacally trouble coming up with fillers for /certian/ parts. :irked: writers block sucks.