Bane
24th August 2005, 02:16 AM
She looked at it wondering also how it was meant to stay round her neck, as there was no catch or lock on it anywhere. “Oh, well” she thought, “I’ll try it on anyway.” When Kit put the choker on she heard a click and felt the choker tighten around her throat. At the same time a high wind began to blow outside and a storm rushed in out of nowhere. It began to rain heavily and lightning flashed. Kit panicked, she couldn’t get the choker off, the more she tried the tighter it became. Kit slumped to the ground, exhausted, not knowing what to do. Suddenly she felt Karla in her mind. **Kit are you alright?** Karla asked *I don’t know Karla* Kit replied.
**Are you in your sleeping hut?** *Yes* **Stay there. I’ll come to you**
*Ok* As Kit lay there, she thought she saw something outside her window. “I must be seeing things,” she thought. She then closed her eyes and waited for Karla. Outside in the dark, something had moved. And it was waiting, waiting for all the lights to go out. Waiting for its chance to take what it had came for. And it would stop at nothing to get it.
On this, it's easier to read if you put a space on the conversation. Try this:
She looked at it wondering also how it was meant to stay round her neck, as there was no catch or lock on it anywhere. “Oh, well” she thought, “I’ll try it on anyway.” When Kit put the choker on she heard a click and felt the choker tighten around her throat. At the same time a high wind began to blow outside and a storm rushed in out of nowhere. It began to rain heavily and lightning flashed. Kit panicked, she couldn’t get the choker off, the more she tried the tighter it became. Kit slumped to the ground, exhausted, not knowing what to do. Suddenly she felt Karla in her mind. **Kit are you alright?** Karla asked
*I don’t know Karla* Kit replied.
**Are you in your sleeping hut?**
*Yes*
**Stay there. I’ll come to you**
*Ok* As Kit lay there, she thought she saw something outside her window. “I must be seeing things,” she thought. She then closed her eyes and waited for Karla. Outside in the dark, something had moved. And it was waiting, waiting for all the lights to go out. Waiting for its chance to take what it had came for. And it would stop at nothing to get it.
You don't need to capitalize the colors of the dragons. Leave it to: bronze Zarlth, and gold Sarlith. Instead of Bronze and Gold.
And on one point, you actually change Zarlth's name to Zarlith. This probably because the queens name is Sarlith. Watch for things like this.
**Are you in your sleeping hut?** *Yes* **Stay there. I’ll come to you**
*Ok* As Kit lay there, she thought she saw something outside her window. “I must be seeing things,” she thought. She then closed her eyes and waited for Karla. Outside in the dark, something had moved. And it was waiting, waiting for all the lights to go out. Waiting for its chance to take what it had came for. And it would stop at nothing to get it.
On this, it's easier to read if you put a space on the conversation. Try this:
She looked at it wondering also how it was meant to stay round her neck, as there was no catch or lock on it anywhere. “Oh, well” she thought, “I’ll try it on anyway.” When Kit put the choker on she heard a click and felt the choker tighten around her throat. At the same time a high wind began to blow outside and a storm rushed in out of nowhere. It began to rain heavily and lightning flashed. Kit panicked, she couldn’t get the choker off, the more she tried the tighter it became. Kit slumped to the ground, exhausted, not knowing what to do. Suddenly she felt Karla in her mind. **Kit are you alright?** Karla asked
*I don’t know Karla* Kit replied.
**Are you in your sleeping hut?**
*Yes*
**Stay there. I’ll come to you**
*Ok* As Kit lay there, she thought she saw something outside her window. “I must be seeing things,” she thought. She then closed her eyes and waited for Karla. Outside in the dark, something had moved. And it was waiting, waiting for all the lights to go out. Waiting for its chance to take what it had came for. And it would stop at nothing to get it.
You don't need to capitalize the colors of the dragons. Leave it to: bronze Zarlth, and gold Sarlith. Instead of Bronze and Gold.
And on one point, you actually change Zarlth's name to Zarlith. This probably because the queens name is Sarlith. Watch for things like this.