Dunno...

[I.L.Y.]

Past Even Time Itself

I love you forever, always and now.
From into our future to back in our past.
Always there to bolster me when times got hard.
Always there to make me last.

Even there when I came to the times.
When I felt so empty, lost and done.
In those times when nothing mattered.
When I couldn't stand to see the next day's sun.

I would think of you and remember when.
Remember the times that we have shared.
Your toes held in my hands to keep them warm.
The first time my fingers passed through your hair.

The times I've seen you smile.
...And now the time I've seen you cry.
The times we've talked of living forever.
...The times we've wished to die.

And I found that hidden in these memories.
A secret waited for me to find.
And once I'd found it, I couldn't believe my eyes.
Couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

Because the thing I found was obvious.
Right there for me to see.
And now that I have found it.
This secret has set me free.

It's not even really a secret.
I just didn't see it for what it was.
And once I tell it to you.
I hope that in bad times, it makes you pause.

To stop and really think on it.
Just like it did with me.
Making me remember the things really important.
Forcing me, against my will, to see.

But what that secret was, it's hard to say.
There are so few words that fit.
I hope that I can say it right.
That its true weight is wholly felt.

It was that no matter how much pain I felt.
And no matter how much I despised the light.
That if I gave in and stopped the "game."
That the pain had won the fight.

But even that isn't the whole of it.
It's even so much less than half.
The rest is the part so hard to put to words.
But I must, before the time is past.

In my memories, the thing that I saw.
Was not a thing, but my best friend.
And even though that seems so common.
I saw my beginning, life, and end.

For you're not just a friend that I love with all my heart.
Instead, you are my whole world.
Pushing me always to be something, to live.
And into my heart you've curled.

Filling it up and making it your home.
Making me worth some'thing once more.
Even though, in reality, I wasn't ever worth less.
But really, just couldn't find the open door.

And so, when I found my love for you.
I saw life in a whole new way.
Finding that taking comfort in your love for me.
That I welcomed the light of the coming day.

And now I try to return the favor.
Not out of obligation, but of love.
I hope you can find the path you helped me to walk.
To help you rise above.

Beating the game and finding a way through.
So you can begin to be happy again.
Smiling and laughing and beating me up.
Counquering forever the pain.

So I love you forever, always, and especially now.
From into our future to back in our past.
And I will always be here when you call for me.
Past Time itself my love for you will last.


What I Really Meant To Say

All those things I said that hurt you.
All the stupid things I did.
All the times I seemed to push too hard.
All the feelings that I hid.

Each of those things I shouldn't have done.
I could have saved us so much pain.
So much of this struggle could have been avoided.
Maybe we'd even found some bit of gain.

But underneath all of these things.
Therein lies a truth.
And even though I've said so many times.
There's only one thing I've meant to tell you.

What I really meant to say is that I love you.
And even if you don't think it's true.
It will always be there in good times and bad.
I'll love you your whole life through.

Through your whole life and farther still.
My love will continue on.
Always just behind you to catch you if you fall.
Never-ending, just like this song.

For even when the music stops its beat.
This song will still be sung.
The lyrics repeating their march through my heart.
Coming out sometimes like new tears sprung.

But one thing in this life of ours.
Will always stay the same.
That no matter what happens or what I do.
And no matter how cruel Fate's game.

What I will always mean to say is that I love you.
And even if you don't think it's true.
I'll always be there in good times and bad.
I'll love you your whole life through.

Through your whole life and further still.
My love will continue on.
Always there to catch you in case you fall.
Never-ending.
Just like this song.

Everything and Nothing

A world so full of life and love…
Lies in the emptiness of space.
Spinning along on its path, on its way.
Slowly moving from place to place.

A cresting wave on a shore somewhere far.
Foaming at its lip.
Is driven by a force unseen.
The wind pushing so hard at its tip.

A penny dropping into a well.
Given with a wish.
The penny, of worth, the well holding nothing.
My mind goes over so many pairs like this.

Because, in all of them, there is one thing alike.
Can you tell me what it is?
Look up and tell the answer before you go on.
What do these things share with a forest filled with mist?

The answer is subtle, yet out in plain sight.
Waiting for you to find.
I have a feeling you’ll find it easy.
You’ve always been good at riddles of this kind.

But now must come the answer.
Do you think you have it? Here it comes.
Everything and nothing is what they have alike.
Just like the paper that now lies under your thumbs.

When the paper started, it was a pure white piece.
Nothing filled its great expanse.
Until the words were written and the surface then changed.
Becoming everything in just a glance.

Expressing words and emotions.
Things trapped within a dream.
The things that make me smile.
And worst of all, the things that make me scream.

And even in us, this equation fits again.
Showing to us, both sides.
In you there is everything, a symphony, a world.
In me, an expanse of space, so empty and wide.

But in the end, maybe this is the way things should be.
The scales being balanced on both sides.
Two opposite concepts always found so close.
Just like us in our life.

Puzzling

Two puzzle pieces fitting perfect.
Two lives seemingly twined into one.
One never found without the other somewhere in life.
Almost like moon and sun.

Living like a pair without pairing.
Never even once finding it strange.
Just glad to have someone who’s happy to know you’re alive.
Always staying, no matter the change.

Exchanging “I love you”s without even thinking.
But always meaning every single word.
It just seemed right, like it was supposed to be.
The separating line was blurred.

Not seeing each other much, but talking every night.
Breathing easier when sitting close.
Usually wondering what the other was thinking.
But content to be together so we didn’t need to know.

Even planning for a future and a life almost together.
So that we’d both always be around.
Wherever one would settle down.
The other would also be found.

I even made her a promise of life.
That if she kept hers I would do the same.
That no matter what, I wouldn’t give up.
Wouldn’t forsake our friendship or her name.

When we had to leave, we would hug so tight.
So tight it was almost hard to breathe.
Would hug tighter if it wouldn’t hurt.
So much emotion in that friendly squeeze.

More than “I love you.” and more than my life.
Encircled in the arms wrapped round my chest.
Arms that I wish could be with me forever.
Along with her heart, and all the rest.

But I didn’t think anything of those things I felt.
She was my best and greatest friend.
She’d be around for the rest of my life.
The only one on which I could depend.

But there are still some questions that I can’t answer.
Why did my feelings change?
Why did it happen just as I lost my chance?
Why do I have to go through this pain?

What’s the use of going on against her?
I’m just driving her away.
We already aren’t like we used to be.
But every time a storm hits, like today.

I start to think of those nights we sat and talked for hours.
The night that everything mixed-up.
The night we sat on a bench out under the stars.
The night her laughter filled my heart’s cup.

And because of who I am and what I feel.
And who she is and what that means.
I can’t let go, so I go on and fight.
Wake up screaming from my dreams.

But these dreams aren’t scary, like you would expect.
Instead they are filled with quiet love.
Falling asleep in each other’s arms at night.
Holding hands and feeling like we’re floating above.

I can see these things happening as easily as I breathe.
But I’m not the only one.
Others who’ve known us since we both were young.
Say that we look happier than just having fun.

And she fits so perfect….right into my arms.
Snug and warm and small.
So why can’t this just one time happen?
Why do I again have to fall?

So I’m left again with a puzzle.
With two pieces that fit so well…
Yet kept apart by confusion and life.
So I stay trapped in my own private hell.

Secret Dreams

As I close my eyes to sleep now.
Instead, I see your face.
Lying here, just below my own.
Fingers splayed above a heart I feel beat at a fervent pace.

Your eyes are closed and you are dreaming.
A smile plays across your lips.
Our bodies are so close we seem as one.
I breathe in your essence in small, small sips.

And as I lie here locked in wonder.
I run a finger across your brow.
Amazed at the beauty here on my chest.
The peace I feel in this moment now.

Your hair falls over my shoulder.
A red waterfall's cascade.
And as I watch you sleeping.
A new part of me is made.

A part to remember just these times.
Your hand lying on my chest.
A face so peaceful, just like a babe's.
These are the times that I love best.

And as I watch your hand here.
I see your finger's pattern's change.
For as you sleep, you check to see.
If I've gone, or if I've stayed.

But love, you shouldn't worry.
For I'll be forever by your side.
Twining your fingers in mine as we walk life's path.
Or on the beach as we watch the tide.

So I take your hand now as you sleep.
Put my fingers between yours.
Kiss your forehead and close my eyes.
Then dreams of you come by scores.

And when I wake in the morning.
I remember only one.
A dream unlike the others.
One that seemed of life to be spun.

In this dream you were awake instead.
I was the one asleep.
You watched me with your chin on my chest.
This is a dream I'd like to keep.

For if it's true I know a secret.
One I will never tell.
For these times are meant for just you and me.
That is why I love them so well.

That secret is that you love me.
For you see me as I see you.
Both of us watching as the other sleeps.
Waking to each other once the night is through.


I'll probably post more from this collection later... I forgot how much I liked some of them. But oh well. I hope you like them. Comments would be appreciated.

[I.L.Y.]

New girl, new poem.

Losing Again

Wonder why I'm stuck here even now.
Why I still cant open this door.
Went in just to find a friend.
I never wanted more.

But instead, against my wishes feelings grew.
But also seemed to grow in you.
Didn't want to hope for fear of hurt.
But in my heart, thinking "Maybe this time it's true."

Tried so hard to hold back.
To keep the feelings held in check.
Wanting to keep the new friend I'd gained.
But now, fingers tighten their grip on my neck.

For all the hope I'd collected against my will.
Against shoreline rocks were smashed.
When one more time, again in this life.
It feels as if my chance by me has passed.

Not even knowing if it would work or not.
But craving so much the chance.
But one more time, I get passed by.
This time the pain is sharper than any lance.

Not for sure why it hurts as it does.
We never even got past friends.
But no matter whether it fits logic or not.
My heart to pieces this pain rends.

Not her fault, so what was mine?
Or was there even fault at all?
Why, oh why did this have to happen again?
Why did I have to fall?

These words need to stop, to finish now.
Tears blur the words I write.
I fear the outcome this time will be the same.
Will I once more lose this fight?


This next one is one I wrote for an assignment in Ceramics. We had to construct a container that holds dreams and put imagery/words on it to that aim. Mine are going to be two lidded triangle jars about fifteen inches tall. Each of the three sides on one will be half of an image on the other pot, so if you line them up right, you get the whole picture. One holds dreams and is white on black. The other holds nightmares and is black on white. The reference to "beacon light".....means something to do with her.

Night and Day

One to hold my nightmares.
The other for my dreams.
One to hold my wishes.
The other for my screams.

One side always showing.
A shining beacon light.
The other always lurking.
Awaiting the dark of night.

Always there to balance out.
To show the other side of hope.
Making me remember that with good comes bad.
To remind me of Fate's hanging rope.

But even though this dark jar seems always full.
One day the dream jar will be fuller still.
At the very least I hope it can.
And pray every night that it will.

[I.L.Y.]

I'm putting a disclaimer at the beginning of this post. I've thought about it and decided to post a couple of poems from the past months that deal with
suicide and self-mutilation. If the admins ask me to delete them, I'll not hesitate to do so, but if they decide not to, it is you, the reader's decision as to whether to go on reading or not.

A Meeting With Fate

My mask is cracked and falling in pieces.
My body and spirit lay broken.
My path in life is done and decided
Fate, of its reasons, now has spoken.

“*Screw you” he said. “For you are cursed to stay.
To always wait but never find.
The love that your heart could heal by.
Not one thing of that kind.

Never will there be a person for you.
To curl up into your arms.
To kiss your lips as you dream of them.
To love both your quirks and charms.

For if I let you have this chance.
You may well skip almost all the pain.
But I enjoy watching the hole in your heart grow larger.
And love the coppery taste of your blood’s rain.”

So as I stand there before him.
I ask “Then why leave hope?”
And that bastard Fate’s lips tight as he grins.
“For that, dear boy, is your rope.

The rope with which you hang yourself.
Put around your neck by your dreams.
Tightening down the more vivid the wish.
It helps to quiet the screams.”

Then he laughs as he runs that cord though his hands.
And says “At one time you’ll have a chance.
But it's with the last person you’ll ever expect.
She will pierce your heart like a lance.

I warn you now, play this one careful.
For when she’s gone, so is your shot.
I also won’t make the path too easy.
At times, out of anger, your blood will run hot.

Don’t lose your head for the fear comes next.
Your blood will change from steam to ice.
Wearing and tearing, inside and out.
You may wonder “Is she worth this price?”

So just this one time, I will grant this boon.
And tell the answer to this point.
She is more than worth it, for she fills that hole.
Just like a bone fits in a joint.

But I must also tell you,
That if you fail, you won’t last long.
For that loss will be the last your tattered heart can take.
And even in the whole world’s throng.

There will never be another.
Who will ever fit so well.
So just be patient and swim with the tide.
Don’t fear adversity’s tsunami swells.”

And with that, the demon left me.
Not remembering for sure a word he said.
Just a couple feelings and dreams.
Nothing to battle the fears in my head.

But even in the face of this endless fear…
The well of love I draw from won’t go dry.
No matter how much I fight with her.
No matter how many tears I cry.


Loving Scars

Why do my dreams seem so, so real?
Why in them, can I feel your touch?
The skin so smooth and also soft.
Even the scars on your wrist don't feel rough.

And as I feel them touch my cheek in this dream.
I turn my head to brush them with my lips.
Kiss them gently, then speak out loud.
"I think that you need to know this.

I love you more than I love my own life.
And each scar here is mirrored on my heart.
But I love every single inch of you.
All the scars, every last part."

You just get quiet and start to think.
When I ask, you say "I don't know."
I'm not quite sure what I should do.
Should I stay, or should I go?

If I stay, so does the confusion I brought.
By saying that I love even these scars.
By showing you that I will hold your hand.
In spite of these lines that mar.

So confused, trying to decide.
Not even knowing what you think.
Seeing you smile sometimes at something I said.
But also making you sink.

Back into thought, your own little world.
One into which, I'm not allowed.
So I just stay here, trying to live.
Until some answer can be found.

And words erupt from my fingers' tips.
Releasing some of the torrent held inside.
While I wait to get my best friend back.
The only one in which I can confide.

So here now are some of those words.
Telling you some of my thoughts' parts.
Showing you that no matter what.
You are the piece that completes my heart.

It doesn't matter that with you come scars.
I know we all carry some.
And so I brush them with my lips one more time.
Run over them with my thumb.

Best friend, I love you, this is all that I know.
And I don't know any other way to let you see.
Other than to say it over and over again.
Even though at times it pushes you away from me.

Please come back soon, even though my words confused.
Without you, I'm not complete.
Left so empty, with nothing inside.
Just a husk with legs and feet.

Moving around and mimicing life.
But...Just wishing to see or touch.
To know that you're still here with me.
Even though it doesn't seem like that much.

Because, in short, it *is* that much.
So please come back sometime soon.
Bring your freckles, your heart and your scars.
So we can go out under the night sky and its moon.


Still Dreaming of You

Sitting here thinking...dreaming of you.
Trying to see a path.
One to show you from my point of view.
So you can know the whole, not just the half.

And so I push this blade into my wrist.
Watch the red as it trickles down.
Pray as the drops find their way down my hand.
That in this, maybe some answer can be found.

So as the blood pools in my palm now.
I tilt it toward me and look deep.
Trying to see in its dark, dark tide.
A light of hope to keep.

Then tilt too far and watch it spill.
Staining the floor below.
And watch my palm as it fills again.
How many times this will take I do not know.

Look deep again and see the same.
A swirling pool of red.
But also something else that I can't describe.
Something that must be from inside my head.

For in this blood here in my hand.
I see locks and locks of hair.
The same locks of hair that this hand has passed through.
Yet this palm, right now, lays bare.

My hand starts to tremble and the blood spills again.
For it to fill once more I wait.
The stain on the floor starts to spread its wings.
Opening, to my heart, a gate.

And so, so helpless, I fall into its depths.
And in darkness now I sit.
Feeling the liquid in my hand overflowing.
Hearing each drop as it hits.

Then light comes to this place and then I see.
The light of hope I sought to find.
And one more time, I know I can deal with this fate.
And the world is left behind.

For in my heart I see a dream of you.
One of which I wish to speak.
But you said if I say it, it will never come true.
And that thought makes me again feel weak.

For of this dream I now have spoken.
And all the new hope from me is bled.
I open my eyes and through the tears.
See that the stain on the floor has spread.

Then know that the weakness is from this wound.
But as I try to close it up.
My hand only shakes as the last blood runs out.
Empty, has become my cup.

So as I lay here in my own blood.
I remember all my dreams.
The ones I lived for, the ones I bled to know.
The ones I woke to with my screams.

For no matter how long I held that hope.
The dreams, they never came true.
And now I lay on my blood soaked bed.
Still dreaming dreams of you...


The first and the last are my personal favorites from the set they came from. I dunno though. What're your opinions?

Oh yeah. The first one a star beside one phrase. That phrase was edited for language.