Debate: Dateing a coworker

[Staerwyen]

Its exactly what the name says. What do you all think about dateing someone you work with?

[Nenwen]

I tried that in High School and it didn't work out. I ended up dating him for only a month and broke up with him the week before prom because I caught him cheating on me with a bleached blond.

For the rest of senior year, he'd follow me everywhere he could except on school grounds and in the house I lived at because he wanted to get back together with me. My guidance counsilor banned him from the school grounds. After graduation, I moved out of state and nobody would tell him where I moved to.

A few years later, I worked with a rather good looking guy in a police mini-station in Detroit. After I stopped working there, he began showing an interest in me. I asked why he didn't show his interest while I worked with him and he said he made a habit of not getting involved with women he worked with. I've developed the same habit for the above reason.

[Koolness]

not a good idea. It creates friction and tension that doesnt belong in the workplace. Just think of how you would act if it didn't work out and you still had to work with the person.

[Carmal]

Dating a co-worker is not good.

Having a casual 'encounter' is ok IF you are both adult enough to not let it interfere with work.

[HarperBrandyAlexander]

What can I say? I've been with my boyfriend for two (almost three years) and we met as Coworkers.

I guess I never thought of him as a cowoker, though, becuase I met him after changing shifts on a new job in a call center. We hit it off right away (the instant chemistry kinda thing) and so I always thought of him in a romantic sort of way... not as a coworker, THEN a romance.

So how much of a hypocrite am I to suggest that it's not a good idea to date a coworker? Well, there you go, I am.

Men, if it's a bad breakup the lady could easily create some story about sexual harrassment. Ladies, if word gets around you become the office slut.

[Lily]

Oh dear! And here was me saying go for it, in chat
But I also did say, keep it light and remember he'll gossip with his mates the next day.
I also suggested a group from work go out together
How would folks react to something like that?

[serrin]

Bad idea all the way around! It causes friction in the event of a break up. Many American companies have work place policies stricktly forbidding it for just that reason. Also, if you're busy making googly eyes at each other, you're not doing your job! It is a rare relationship that can survive so much togetherness. Most times, these kinds of relationships fizzle prematurely because of the lack of time apart. And then there's all the office gossip to deal with. I've never dated anyone I worked with because I've seen what happens in these situations. It never turns out good at least from what I've seen.

[SpaceCowboy]

Ok I've had experience seeing co-workers dating before, and have mixed thoughts about it. First I'll do a short write-up on the three couples I've seen who dated while working together. Then I'll give my thoughts on the practice.

The first couple I saw who dated while working together was ironicly enough at my very first job. My immediate supervisor was dating her immediate supervisor. Those two showed exactly how it should be done and that is to handle it very discretely. It wasn't until I had been at the job for three years and ran into them away from work one Saturday that I even knew they were a couple. They kept their personal lives separate from their work lives and maintained two households to have a place for separation time. It was not until he left the company that they moved in together and married. Last I had heard they were still together, and had raised both her two young daughters from a previous marriage and two children of their own. That is the good story.

The second story is a very bad story. About a year after I started working at the job I have now two young people were hired into my dept. After about three months it became clear they were seeing each other. If there was a bad way to have an on the job romance those two found it. From fighting at work to him being very controlling. To make a long story short since she was only 16 to his 19 her perents finally made her break it off. He has long since left the state. She has since meet a nice young man at school and with the 20/20 vision that hindsight gives you is taking it slow. I hope that one eventually works out for her.

The third is also at this job and is ongoing. It is also somewhat of a misnomer to call it an office romance since he is not employed by the store. She is the manager (team leader) of one of the grocery departments, he is a vendor who spends most of his day at the store since our store is his entire route. They are both older people around 45-50, and as with the couple in the first story are very discrete. While we see them eat lunch together, and occassionally overhear them wondering what they might do that night they otherwise keep it strictly professional at work.

Now my thoughts on dating while at work. If you are old enough to understand the difference between your work life and your home life I see no problem with it. Discretion is the word, and it is even better that you not let your co-workers know you are a couple. That means you don't call them by a pet name on the job. Any romantic gestures are done before you start or after you leave. And you never let your co-workers influence your thinking about your partner.

On the other hand if you are a young person who doesn't have the experience to keep things from getting out of hand it can be a very BAD idea. A total disaster in fact if you are not carefull. If you think you have the experience to keep it in hand go for it. Just remember to keep the two halves of your life separate. No bringing work home, and especially no bringing home to work.

[Xhack]

Depends on the people, the organisation, the circumstances.

I once went home with a co-worker at the end of an office Christmas party. Knowing what to expect, we slunk in the following morning to cheers, jeers and catcalls. No harm done, and we remained good friends.

I also had an 18-month relationship with a co-worker in a place where such things were frowned upon. We were of equal status, so there were no 'power' issues. As Jokemaster mentioned above, we were VERY discreet, maintained separate residences, and took care to arrive at work separately. We also had ground rules, and acted with total professionalism in the workplace. The thing eventually fizzled but, again, we remained good friends. To this day, as far as I'm aware, our work colleagues remain in blissful ignorance.

It CAN work - but the potential difficulties are obvious.

[dragon_dreams]

It could work but I wouldn't suggest it expeically if a messy breakup could really effect your work environment :2cent:

[Bobbsy]

Let's be realistic. Besides sleeping, the workplace is where you spend the most hours in any given day, so your chances of meeting somebody you're attracted to are higher for work than any place else. Workplace relationships are inevitable.

So long as people are mature and sensible, why should it be a problem?

This brings me to a rant. The original question was "what do you think about DATING people from work?".

Why is it that suddenly dating or "going out with" suddenly means some form of ongoing permanent and emotional relationship? When I was a lad in high school (Gawd, doesn't that phrase make me sound old!) dating was just that...going out and having fun with somebody at a cinema or a dance or something. You could ask somebody out, have a pleasant evening and not take it any farther. Or, if you both had a good time, you might go out again and EVENTUALLY decide to "go steady". It was only at the "go steady" stage that there was an on-going, formal committment.

Nowadays though, (at least in the UK) "going out with" suddenly implies an semi-permanent relationship and almost always means some kind of messy breakup if, after a couple of dates, one party or the other decides it's not working. What utter stupidity. People date. People stop dating. People find other people to date. It's not then end of the world...get over it. Stop pretending your life is a scene from "Dawson's Creek" or "Orange County" and playing the angst-ridden teenager.

Actually, I said that in jest, but I wonder just how much the phenomenon of teen soap operas have changed expectations so everybody thinks life should be full of drama rather than fun.

Anyhow, rant over. If there's somebody you like at work, by all means date them. Just be sensible and keep it outside work. And if you break up, get over it and don't play the blame game. It's part of life.

Bobbsy

[Chaotic Rat Army]

I agree with bobbsy. . . . kind, I think. . .. . If you are going to date a coworker, you have to be able to seperate work life and home life. Hope it works out, whichever way you go. Just be careful sweety, ok. I don't want to see yu get hurt :hugs:

[toadkiller]

How important is the job? At a career job this is a much different thing compared to a "just a job".

[Xhack]

Ahh, but in our day, Bobbsy, it was called 'playing the field' - something I did pretty hard right through my 20s. Nowadays, I'd be deemed to have 'commitment ish-ews'. :D

[Bobbsy]

Ahh, but in our day, Bobbsy, it was called 'playing the field' - something I did pretty hard right through my 20s. Nowadays, I'd be deemed to have 'commitment ish-ews'. :D

Careful of commitment to "ews" Xhack...we don't want Tony getting jealous!

Bobbsy

[Xhack]

Yep, we run the risk of inflating this thing out of all proportion :devil:

[Staerwyen]

Im a college student so no this isnt a career just a pit stop on the way there.

[Mausey]

Going out to dinner or a movie, dancing or just a coffee after work shouldn't be a problem. It's not a case of, go out with me or you're fired. Things could get a bit tense if the relationship got serious then there was a nasty break-up, but just dating, shouldn't be a real concern.

[leahiniowa]

Staer, if this is a decent guy I know they are few and far between where you are. I'd say use your best judgment. If he seems like a good guy, go for it. I think it's not such a big deal right now at this time in your life. I mean, if you were the President and he was an intern things would be different.

[Milo]

Nowadays though, (at least in the UK) "going out with" suddenly implies an semi-permanent relationship and almost always means some kind of messy breakup if, after a couple of dates, one party or the other decides it's not working. What utter stupidity. People date. People stop dating. People find other people to date. It's not then end of the world...get over it. Stop pretending your life is a scene from "Dawson's Creek" or "Orange County" and playing the angst-ridden teenager.

It's the same here. :yeah:

[Bamy]

Its exactly what the name says. What do you all think about dateing someone you work with?Probably a very baaad idea...having said that two of my lecturers are getting married this summer and ey are in the same department (and recently got offices next to one another) :evil: They are really sweet together though and really :wub: each other. They aren't blatantly obvious either...I think I am one of the few students that knows that they are marrying this summer...that will be interesting for the stuents to get back and find Dr Robinson and Dr Waller are now Dr Waller and Dr Waller :evil:

[Brenda]

Uh, does anyone else watch Gray's Anatomy?

[Staerwyen]

noooo

[Brenda]

Okay, if you did you'd know why I asked... there's two subplots of resident doctors dating interns, to the detriment of workplace morale...

[leahiniowa]

I'm married to the doctor at our clinic!!!

(Actually, that was something we all knew to be careful of and watch out for, I didn't want to be the doc's wife bossing people around. Basically I see my position as low man on the totem pole, b/c I am the translator and assistnant, so my job is to help everybody.)

[elfycat]

I've dated someone I worked with. It was in a restaurant and we kept it secret for about 8 months - not bad concidering we also worked with his brother. It was because of how interfering people are and we wanted to have an established relationship before we said anything. We eventually split up but are still good pals.

Then I went back to nursing and worked at a hospital that makes those convoluted relationships in hospital type soaps look like childs play. Everyone was at it, sometimes twice in a night (Not me I hasten to add). One guy was a positive tart but managed to keep things fairly discrete. I had offers but for the most part kept out of it, although I did briefly date a company rep.

I've never worked anywhere that it was banned, and in fact dating coworkers seems the norm in most of the places I've worked.

[Kesal]

We've got a lot of in house marriages, stemming from people dating their coworkers. But we also have an awful lot of uncomfortable situations between exes as well. We have a lot of branches all over the state, with several within the city, and when we get together, it's inevitable there's going to be people there who've just had a bad bust up.
We just had a wedding last weekend between one of the clerks and one of the security personnel, who met while working together at the same Court.

[Master Harper Andrea]

It's not possible where I work...either people are married, or dedicated to the memory of a dead spouse. And that's ok...I don't know that I could handle it myself. I'd rather meet someone who is outside of my sphere. But that's just me...I need something else to talk about besides my work. And I have plenty of online friends for that too.

So many times relationships at work are about who has power over who, or who can get something from who, etc, etc....

But Staer, if you and he can handle it, then try. Who knows?

[Chaotic Rat Army]

:hugs: Staer, you do realise that WE WANT UPDATES. . . giggles, that said in the nicest possible way. Hope you do what you think is right.

[Rinoa]

It would be quite a different situation where I work. Not for me personally: we have only 2 male teachers in my building, and both of them are married. One is very much older than me (and a bit of an idiot), the other one is slightly younger than me, but very married.)

I know we have quite a few teachers that are married to other teachers, but they are usually in different buildings. We have several that are in the same buildings, but always different grade levels. If anyone is married to an administrator (principal or assistant principal) they are always at separate buildings. I think it would be really hard to work really closely with your spouse (especially if you are in a high stress environment).

It is quite different if you are in a more temporary job and just dating. As long as it doesn't get in the way of the job, and since you don't actually work directly together, I don't think it should be a problem. Granted, I don't have any experience, so I can't give any examples. :)

Rinoa:note:

[Mary]

I had a bunch of students working with me one summer in the laboratory. About 5 or 6. Two of them started going out with each other which was fine (I just wanted it to last until September when they were going back to college) But no such luck. The girl also had a permanent boyfriend back home and when it was her birthday he appeared. The work boyfriend did not take it too well, never got the full details but there was some type of bust up and he (a) took a swipe at boyfriend 1, missed and hit a mirror or (b) got angry and put his fist through a mirror.

Come Monday he arrives to work injured (he told me he fell while out jogging), she arrives to work crying because none of the other students would talk to her. She was crying at one end of the lab, he was in a huff at the other end, the other girl students are not talking to her. What a mess. And I was getting no work out of them.

I was going to move her to another lab but it all fizzeled out as fast as it started.